When Lily was about 18 months old, we let her start watching TV. At the time we had thousands of terrible channels, but we only let her watch two. PBS and Noggin. So, I really only watched two. PBS and Noggin. For months and months and months.
When you are a sleepy new mother and your babydaddy travels all the time and the only exposure you have to televised entertainment is kids' shows, your mind begins to fucking turn on you.
I started developing inappropriate crushes on the stars of children's TV shows.
Well, you've got to pass the time somehow.
I first became aware of my lustful feelings toward Luis during an episode of Sesame Street where he played the guitar and crooned to a furry monster in Spanish. Ooooh. He was so caliente. He has this whole well-aged Latin Lover thing happening. Plus, he's been on the show for like 30 years. Which makes him, like, my dad's age. Wait. Um...
It took me a little time to reconcile my feelings for Harry from Cyberchase. First, he can't be more than 25. Plus, he's not even hot. But after some thought, I totally know what this is all about. The Buddy Holly glasses, the nerdwear thrift store shirts, the exceptional math skills. He reminded me of someone I used to be married to. Many, many moons ago.
Dan Zanes. He's such a Brooklyn Hipster. It's the hair. I'm telling you. I don't know what product he uses, but he looks fucking cool.
OK. I know this is really inappropriate and wrong. But I think the nastiest crush of all was one I had on Steve from Blues Clues. I know. It's dirty and disgusting. But I found myself dreaming about him. Having these fantasies of taking him on a picnic and smearing ripe strawberries on his lips and getting him drunk on boxed wine before tearing off his green and white striped polo shirt. I felt filthy going, "Hey, Lil...look! Blues Clues is on!" She'd be all, "Whatever, I'm playing", and I'd be like, "No, come on!"--me, trying to make my kid watch tv--and then I'd find myself watching all alone. And likin' it.
Look. This is Steve now. He's actually kind of cute. See? I'm not crazy. Well, ok, yes, I am. I know I am.
Lucky for me, I'm so busy now with my swingin' social life, I don't even miss the cable anymore.
But sometimes I really get a hankerin' for it. So the other night Shawn was over and he was like, "Why don't you just get cable?" so I asked him to call Time Warner and see how much more a month it would be to have some good channels.
And he did. And I still can't afford it. Fuck.
So, I'm sorry, Steve. We'll have to wait just a little longer. Soon, baby. Soon.
