So I'm reading Lily Anastasia Krupnik, by Lois Lowry. Since I'm working from home more and am able to pick Lil up several days a week, I've discovered that there is a public library right next to her school. Sweet relief. I don't know if I've mentioned this before, but I tend to get palm-sweatily anxious if I don't have at least one book in rotation at all times. It keeps me from coming unglued.
I love the library. I love the overheated aisles with shelves and shelves of brand new stories. I love the musty smell of books that have passed through thousands of hands (and maybe even helped some stray scabies make the journey from your home to mine. Thanks!)...several times I've lost track of time and almost gotten to school late because I'm all sprawling with legs askew on the floor, pawing through a pile of novels to decide what to take home and what to leave behind.
I have this new thing with trying to get Lily to love all the books I loved as a little girl, but conveniently forgetting that I didn't discover a lot of these beloved paperbacks until I was at least 7 or 8 and could actually read. Of course I think Lily is smart, but having to stop and explain every concept and phrase from a Judy Blume novel to a 5 year old isn't really my idea of a rockin' good time. (I only read her Otherwise Known as Sheila The Great, which is really innocuous. It doesn't deal with periods or jerking off or mouthkissing or anything).
Anyway, last night we were laying in her bed as I read aloud from Anastasia. We came to a part about Anastasia's teacher taking off her shoes under her desk, and her corn pads being visible through her stockings. This was terribly intriguing to my child.
L: "What are corn pads, Mama?"
M: "Oh, they're just these little sticky things you put on your feet if you have...rough spots."
L: "I want some corn pads!"
M: "No, you don't. You don't need corn pads. Should we continue with the story?"
But she wouldn't let it go. She insisted that she needed corn pads and wouldn't listen to the story until I agreed to take her to the Duane Reed the next day and buy her a goddamned box of them.
Finally, we finished a chapter and she went to sleep, dreaming happily of our trip to the drugstore to buy footcare products.
And then I went into the kitchen and poured a glass of wine and planned to get some fucking Dr. Seuss books tomorrow.
This SHIT is BANANAS
4 years ago
13 comments:
Do you like corn pads and scabies?
I do not like them, not even maybe[s].
I do not like corn pads and scabies.
Would you like them here or there?
I would not like them here or there.
I would not like them anywhere.
Fucking Dr. Seuss books? Would that be like porn? You are naughty!
See, that's why I spend so much money at Barnes and Noble. I can't stand the flecks of food and dirty pages of library books.
The things that fascinate children can be pretty hiliarious! Bubba's bgood at fixating on stuff like that. Thankfully, he's all boy and is easily distracted. LOL
Your romantic description of previously read books left out finding someones seat check from a plane trip, or some senseless shopping list for anti fungal foot cream and corn pads (XTRA LARGE).
And my personal favorite, the previously smoked book.
the A Dog loves big old books. Here are some we've liked lots if you want to try them:
lady lollipop, dick king smith (a friend told me this sounded like a porno, but i assure you it is about a pig. she loves it when the pig learns to poop outside. great illustration.)
bean and ivy (there are 5 in the series. she loves them all with greatness. troublemaking buddies)
betsy tacy (these are good old fashioned ones and the librarian recommend them and she loved it)
other dick king smith books she's liked are A Mouse Called King, Titus Rules and of course Babe and The Waterhorse.)
She's also learned enough about periods form me to inform me of her intention of using pads and never ever tampons. different strokes i guess.
xoxox peggy
I think "Corn"
I immediately think "hole"
I don't think one book qualifies as a rotation. Drink some for me.
I do not like corn pads
I do not like them on my nads
I would not, should not, could not wear one
On my boy, my Mister Fun.
Now that you have identified the potential source of your wee friends are they calling for fumigation of the library?
Ah, Lil makes me smile. I'd buy her an economy box of corn pads and maybe even some bunion cream if she was good.
Unless you are having unbridled, promiscuous sex with homeless strippers, I can almost guarantee that you got scabies from "...sprawling with legs askew on the floor..." of that library.
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