Sunday, May 10, 2009

Happy Mother's Day, Mom! And I'm sorry about the title of my last post.

Apparently Mom didn't like "Snakes on a Plane".

My parents are retired English teachers, and they actually read my blog. I know. I don't understand it either.

I come from a family of big readers and grammar savants; in fact, I'm the only person in my immediate family without a graduate degree. Because really, you don't need a Masters to excel in WiseAssery.

Still, I like that my parents read the blog, even if they do give me crap about some of the content. They don't believe anyone should be censored, even though I know they secretly hope some day I will start to curb my rancid tongue and maybe talk about my vagina a little less.

I really appreciate my parents' open-mindedness with regard to reading and writing, though. As far back as I can remember, my sister and I were always allowed to read whatever we wanted. As long as we were reading something, my parents didn't care if it was the back of the cereal box or an Archie comic or Jackie Collins; they just wanted us to love the process of reading as much as they did. And we both inhale books like giant piles of uncut cocaine.

When I was maybe eleven or so, my mother picked up Judy Blume's Forever at a rummage sale and tucked it away in a corner shelf of our living room library and told me that I could read it "When I was a little older and ready".

Why not just dangle a salt lick just out of reach of my giant, panting animal tongue? Of course I snuck that book into my bedroom whenever I had a chance and dog eared every page (especially the ones where the guy introduced his girlfriend to his penis, whom he named "Ralph", omg), sharing it with friends and even sneaking it into school a couple of times. I was cool as shit because I had that book. It was my golden ticket; I used it as a bargaining chip to get invited to slumber parties. Of course, after I fell asleep the popular girls took it and read it under by flashlight after dunking my hand in warm water to get me to pee my sleeping bag. But I digress.

I think by the time Mom asked me if I felt 'ready' to read the book, I'd memorized the sex parts so thoroughly I could recite them. I'm pretty sure I did.

Anyway, the point is, I have really cool parents. I don't think I tell them that enough. Thanks, mis padres, for your unconditional acceptance and understanding when it comes to the unpredictable (yet endearing!) antics of your errant elder child.

Happy Mother's Day, Mamacita. And Hey, Dad. Nice to see you too.



nitewalk6 said...

Great post Kris.

Now, lets have more vagina speak.

xl said...


Oh Hai Krissy's Mom!

Wow, that was awkward said...

Hi Mom (of Krissy). Your daughter may have a potty mouth, but she is funny as shit!! You done good.

Anonymous said...

There are people who didn't like Snakes on a Plane?!

Vegas Linda Lou said...

Of course you have cool parents--they produced you!

My mother reads my blog faithfully, too. But she's old enough that if she gives me any shit I can threaten to put her in a home.

Sproactually said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Sproactually said...

I think you very lucky to have parents that encouraged you to read, and it's awesome that your not even bashful about talking about the V thing-a-mjiggy. I still don't even curse in front of my Father.

BTW, happy late Mothers day.

Warped Mind of Ron said...

Happy belated Mother's day! It's great to have supportive parents like that.

I'm Scooter, but I might be a troll. said...

Happy Mother's day, progenitor of Kristin. She makes me laugh.

So, Kris, what books do you think Sadie and Violet should be introduced to in the coming years?

jeremy said...

um... they don't read my blog, do they?

Micky said...

SATAN THE DECEIVER When a person participates in sin or evil things they allow Satan to take part in their life and God's blessings to be removed.

You see, God protects us when we love and obey Him. But if we play around with ungodly or occult activities, we are allowing Satan to come and take part in our life.

God's protection and will for us will be hindered and the devil will take advantage of us.

The Bible warns us in Ephesians 4:27 about this, it says; "Neither give place to the devil".

Don't allow anything that is not of God into your life.

Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walking about, seeking whom he may devour : (1 Peter 5:8).

Micky said...



Is not the time coming, and the day hastening, when covetous men shall be ashamed of loving the world, and voluptuous men ashamed of loving their pleasures, and ambitious men ashamed of loving their honours?

For is it not a horrid shame, that a rational creature should be such a sot as to love sin which is most loathsome, and not to love Jesus who is most lovely? To love deformity, and not beauty?

Oh shame, shame! It is a shame that sin should have such esteem, and Jesus such great contempt put upon him.

But shame shall before long confound these now shameless wretches, when they shall cry out, "We are ashamed that we loved profits, and not Jesus- houses, lands, lusts, and not Jesus.

This is the confusion of our faces, and shame covers us-- that we should be so foolish, and so blind, that we had not sense, nor reason, to distinguish between sin, which is the greatest and most odious evil, and Jesus who is the greatest and most lovely good."

But the time will never come, the day will never be, that a gracious soul shall be ashamed of his sincere love to Jesus Christ.

Micky said...

Everyone practicing evil hates the light and does not come to the light, lest his deeds should be exposed. (John 3:20)

Micky said...

Let no man seduce you, willing in humility, and religion of angels, walking in the things which he hath not seen, in vain puffed up by the sense of his flesh,

And not holding the head, from which the whole body, by joints and bands, being supplied with nourishment and compacted, groweth unto the increase of God.
(Colossians 2: 18 - 19)

Micky said...

"Do not participate in the unfruitful works of darkness, but instead even expose them." (Ephesians 5:11-12)

Micky said...


Atheists are usually very proud (pride was the great sin of the devil) about their "freethinking".

They feel morally superior to those of us who try to follow the Church's teachings as found in the bible.

They say that they "think for themselves", as though that is some kind of virtue. Hitler thought for himself, as did Stalin.

Believe me, salvation is not a do-it-yourself activity. You won't ever get into heaven singing "I Did It My Way", for sure.

And the real problem with freethinking is that it always seems to degenerate into "me-thinking".

In other words, the ego takes over, and the thought of doing for others out of love always seems to take a back seat to "What's in it for me?"

Remember, as CS Lewis once said, "Hell is full of people who said "My Will Be Done".

Heaven is full of people who said "Thy Will Be Done." Proverbs 3:5 says it best - Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not rely on your own insight.

I'm Scooter, but I might be a troll. said...

Jeez, he's like herpes.

Micky said...

Did your father have herpes?