Friday, May 15, 2009

When you're trying to elicit sympathy, it's best not to threaten

Dear Man in Dirty Red Tee Shirt on 7 Train,

I realize that you've probably had a tough life. I do. And I'm sorry for that one leg of yours that is significantly shorter than the other makes you walk with a limp. I'm sorry that your malformed foot doesn't quite fit in your sneaker and that it takes you longer than the average crazy person to make it down the middle of the aisle during your nightly canvassing of the rush-hour 7 train.

But I have a bit of advice for you, red-shirt wearing, hostile beggar. When trying to garner empathy from your fellow commuters (and collect gin money), it's best not to threaten to kick our asses if we don't give you change.

When you pulled your shirt up to show us the deeply-grooved scars on your back, and that short Mexican guy snickered, he was only doing so out of discomfort. I don't think that calling him an Oompa-Loompa-Looking-Motherfucker really added anything to the mounting tension you created by being both hostile and vulnerable at once, concurrently begging for money and telling us we are all assholes.

If I might, perhaps I can offer you a bit of advice, sir. Maybe take a trip to Times Square and watch how the more polished, seasoned spare-change solicitors do it. I think the best course of action is:
1. Enter train at a stop.
2. Briskly walk the aisle giving spiel about how you're living in a shelter but trying to get a job.
3. Ask politely for extra change.
4. Tell us God Bless.
5. Exit at next stop so as to not to create discomfort among fellow passengers, and try again in the next car.

I think that's really what works.

Here's what doesn't work:

Standing in the middle of the train, stop after stop after stop, shouting expletives with your shirt hiked up over your head, calling your fellow riders 'Foolios'.

It just makes you look silly.

Just a little friendly advice, sir. Food for thought, if you will.

Have a blessed day!

Love,

Krissyface

32 comments:

I'm Scooter, but I might be a troll. said...

Your life is much more glamorous than mine, Kris.

jeremy said...

i like it when they play the mariachi. i never give them any money, but i still like it.

Kimber said...

Glamorous? ha! I never felt glamorous when riding the train with people who pee in the aisles or consider bathing getting caught in the rain for a minute. Here's the key to surviving on public transportation: DON'T MAKE EYE CONTACT!! But then you get the one's who insist you answer them. I used to carry a walkman w big headphones and when the batteries wore out I still bopped my head like I was oblivious to their ranting.

Vegas Linda Lou said...

"Have a blessed day" BAH-ha-ha!

You could be a bum consultant. Would make a nice addition to your resume.

nitewalk6 said...

Du u reckin he kin reed yur blog?

rkintn said...

Reason number 10,256,389 I am glad I don't live in the city nor do I have to ride or have access to public transportation.

Good tips, though. If I am ever panhandling on the train, I'll be sure and give you credit for my success LOL

Warped Mind of Ron said...

Wow... that advice is really totally resonating with me dude... Do you think it would work for getting dates? Because calling them stupid bitches really seems to diminish my chances.

Jack said...

Could you really smell that it was gin?

kay zee said...

Great advise, dear!

Prunella Jones said...

I might be willing to give him a dollar if his ranting is imaginative enough. Lazy cussers won't get any money from me though.

Micky said...

jeremy said...
"i like it when they play the mariachi."

Jeremy,
Was your father a paedophile?

BURN IN HELL! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!

Micky said...

BURN IN HELL, JEREMY! BURN IN HELL, SCOOTER! BURN IN HELL, KIMBER! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!

Micky said...

BURN IN HELL, JEREMY! BURN IN HELL, SCOOTER! BURN IN HELL, KIMBER! ----------------------
HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!

Micky said...

BURN IN HELL, JEREMY! BURN IN HELL, SCOOTER! BURN IN HELL, KIMBER! ----------------
HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!

Micky said...

BURN IN HELL, JEREMY! BURN IN HELL, SCOOTER! BURN IN HELL, KIMBER! ----------------
HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!

Micky said...

BURN IN HELL, JEREMY! BURN IN HELL, SCOOTER! BURN IN HELL, KIMBER! ----------------
HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!

Micky said...

I LOVE JESUS SO MUCH

I SHOULD NEVER HAVE ANY CAUSE OR REASON TO BE ASHAMED TO LOVE JESUS.

Is not the time coming, and the day hastening, when covetous men shall be ashamed of loving the world, and voluptuous men ashamed of loving their pleasures, and ambitious men ashamed of loving their honours?

For is it not a horrid shame, that a rational creature should be such a sot as to love sin which is most loathsome, and not to love Jesus who is most lovely? To love deformity, and not beauty?

Oh shame, shame! It is a shame that sin should have such esteem, and Jesus such great contempt put upon him.

But shame shall before long confound these now shameless wretches, when they shall cry out, "We are ashamed that we loved profits, and not Jesus- houses, lands, lusts, and not Jesus.

This is the confusion of our faces, and shame covers us-- that we should be so foolish, and so blind, that we had not sense, nor reason, to distinguish between sin, which is the greatest and most odious evil, and Jesus who is the greatest and most lovely good."
----------------------

BURN IN HELL, JEREMY! BURN IN HELL, SCOOTER! BURN IN HELL, KIMBER! ----------------

Micky said...

I LOVE JESUS SO MUCH

I SHOULD NEVER HAVE ANY CAUSE OR REASON TO BE ASHAMED TO LOVE JESUS.

Is not the time coming, and the day hastening, when covetous men shall be ashamed of loving the world, and voluptuous men ashamed of loving their pleasures, and ambitious men ashamed of loving their honours?

For is it not a horrid shame, that a rational creature should be such a sot as to love sin which is most loathsome, and not to love Jesus who is most lovely? To love deformity, and not beauty?

Oh shame, shame! It is a shame that sin should have such esteem, and Jesus such great contempt put upon him.

But shame shall before long confound these now shameless wretches, when they shall cry out, "We are ashamed that we loved profits, and not Jesus- houses, lands, lusts, and not Jesus.

This is the confusion of our faces, and shame covers us-- that we should be so foolish, and so blind, that we had not sense, nor reason, to distinguish between sin, which is the greatest and most odious evil, and Jesus who is the greatest and most lovely good."
----------------------
BURN IN HELL, JEREMY! ----------------

BURN IN HELL, SCOOTER! ----------------

BURN IN HELL, KIMBER! ----------------

Micky said...

I LOVE JESUS SO MUCH

I SHOULD NEVER HAVE ANY CAUSE OR REASON TO BE ASHAMED TO LOVE JESUS.

Is not the time coming, and the day hastening, when covetous men shall be ashamed of loving the world, and voluptuous men ashamed of loving their pleasures, and ambitious men ashamed of loving their honours?

For is it not a horrid shame, that a rational creature should be such a sot as to love sin which is most loathsome, and not to love Jesus who is most lovely? To love deformity, and not beauty?

Oh shame, shame! It is a shame that sin should have such esteem, and Jesus such great contempt put upon him.

But shame shall before long confound these now shameless wretches, when they shall cry out, "We are ashamed that we loved profits, and not Jesus- houses, lands, lusts, and not Jesus.

This is the confusion of our faces, and shame covers us-- that we should be so foolish, and so blind, that we had not sense, nor reason, to distinguish between sin, which is the greatest and most odious evil, and Jesus who is the greatest and most lovely good."
----------------------
BURN IN HELL, JEREMY! ----------------
BURN IN HELL, SCOOTER! ----------------
BURN IN HELL, KIMBER! ----------------

Micky said...

IS YOUR FATHER A PAEDOPHILE, JEREMY? ----------

IS YOUR FATHER A PAEDOPHILE, JEREMY? ----------

IS YOUR FATHER A PAEDOPHILE, JEREMY? ----------

IS YOUR FATHER A PAEDOPHILE, JEREMY? ----------

IS YOUR FATHER A PAEDOPHILE, JEREMY? ----------

IS YOUR FATHER A PAEDOPHILE, JEREMY? ----------

IS YOUR FATHER A PAEDOPHILE, JEREMY? ----------

IS YOUR FATHER A PAEDOPHILE, JEREMY? ----------

IS YOUR FATHER A PAEDOPHILE, JEREMY? ----------

IS YOUR FATHER A PAEDOPHILE, JEREMY? ----------

IS YOUR FATHER A PAEDOPHILE, JEREMY? ----------

IS YOUR FATHER A PAEDOPHILE, JEREMY? ----------

IS YOUR FATHER A PAEDOPHILE, JEREMY? ----------

IS YOUR FATHER A PAEDOPHILE, JEREMY? ----------

IS YOUR FATHER A PAEDOPHILE, JEREMY? ----------

IS YOUR FATHER A PAEDOPHILE, JEREMY? ----------

IS YOUR FATHER A PAEDOPHILE, JEREMY? ----------

IS YOUR FATHER A PAEDOPHILE, JEREMY? ----------

IS YOUR FATHER A PAEDOPHILE, JEREMY? ----------

IS YOUR FATHER A PAEDOPHILE, JEREMY? ----------

IS YOUR FATHER A PAEDOPHILE, JEREMY? ----------

IS YOUR FATHER A PAEDOPHILE, JEREMY? ----------

IS YOUR FATHER A PAEDOPHILE, JEREMY? ----------

IS YOUR FATHER A PAEDOPHILE, JEREMY? ----------

Micky said...

IS YOUR FATHER A PAEDOPHILE, JEREMY? ----------

IS YOUR FATHER A PAEDOPHILE, JEREMY? ----------

IS YOUR FATHER A PAEDOPHILE, JEREMY? ----------

IS YOUR FATHER A PAEDOPHILE, JEREMY? ----------

IS YOUR FATHER A PAEDOPHILE, JEREMY? ----------

IS YOUR FATHER A PAEDOPHILE, JEREMY? ----------

IS YOUR FATHER A PAEDOPHILE, JEREMY? ----------

IS YOUR FATHER A PAEDOPHILE, JEREMY? ----------

IS YOUR FATHER A PAEDOPHILE, JEREMY? ----------

IS YOUR FATHER A PAEDOPHILE, JEREMY? ----------

IS YOUR FATHER A PAEDOPHILE, JEREMY? ----------

IS YOUR FATHER A PAEDOPHILE, JEREMY? ----------

IS YOUR FATHER A PAEDOPHILE, JEREMY? ----------

IS YOUR FATHER A PAEDOPHILE, JEREMY? ----------

IS YOUR FATHER A PAEDOPHILE, JEREMY? ----------

IS YOUR FATHER A PAEDOPHILE, JEREMY? ----------

IS YOUR FATHER A PAEDOPHILE, JEREMY? ----------

IS YOUR FATHER A PAEDOPHILE, JEREMY? ----------

IS YOUR FATHER A PAEDOPHILE, JEREMY? ----------

Micky said...

DO YOU HAVE AIDS, SCOOTER? -------------------

DO YOU HAVE AIDS, KIMBER? -------------------

DO YOU HAVE AIDS, JEREMY? -------------------

BURN IN HELL, SCOOTER! --------------

BURN IN HELL, JEREMY! ----------------

BURN IN HELL, KIMBER! ----------------
HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!
HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!
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HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!
HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!
HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!

Micky said...

DO YOU HAVE AIDS, SCOOTER? -------------------

DO YOU HAVE AIDS, KIMBER? -------------------

DO YOU HAVE AIDS, JEREMY? -------------------

BURN IN HELL, SCOOTER! --------------

BURN IN HELL, JEREMY! ----------------

BURN IN HELL, KIMBER! ----------------

DO YOU HAVE AIDS, SCOOTER? -------------------

DO YOU HAVE AIDS, KIMBER? -------------------

DO YOU HAVE AIDS, JEREMY? -------------------

BURN IN HELL, SCOOTER! --------------

BURN IN HELL, JEREMY! ----------------

BURN IN HELL, KIMBER! ----------------

DO YOU HAVE AIDS, SCOOTER? -------------------

DO YOU HAVE AIDS, KIMBER? -------------------

DO YOU HAVE AIDS, JEREMY? -------------------

BURN IN HELL, SCOOTER! --------------

BURN IN HELL, JEREMY! ----------------

BURN IN HELL, KIMBER! ----------------

Micky said...

DO YOU HAVE AIDS, SCOOTER? -------------------
DO YOU HAVE AIDS, KIMBER? -------------------
DO YOU HAVE AIDS, JEREMY? -------------------
BURN IN HELL, SCOOTER! --------------
BURN IN HELL, JEREMY! ----------------
BURN IN HELL, KIMBER! ----------------
DO YOU HAVE AIDS, SCOOTER? -------------------
DO YOU HAVE AIDS, KIMBER? -------------------
DO YOU HAVE AIDS, JEREMY? -------------------
BURN IN HELL, SCOOTER! --------------
BURN IN HELL, JEREMY! ----------------
BURN IN HELL, KIMBER! ----------------
DO YOU HAVE AIDS, SCOOTER? -------------------
DO YOU HAVE AIDS, KIMBER? -------------------
DO YOU HAVE AIDS, JEREMY? -------------------
BURN IN HELL, SCOOTER! --------------
BURN IN HELL, JEREMY! ----------------
BURN IN HELL, KIMBER! ----------------
DO YOU HAVE AIDS, SCOOTER? -------------------
DO YOU HAVE AIDS, KIMBER? -------------------
DO YOU HAVE AIDS, JEREMY? -------------------
BURN IN HELL, SCOOTER! --------------
BURN IN HELL, JEREMY! ----------------
BURN IN HELL, KIMBER! ----------------
DO YOU HAVE AIDS, SCOOTER? -------------------
DO YOU HAVE AIDS, KIMBER? -------------------
DO YOU HAVE AIDS, JEREMY? -------------------
BURN IN HELL, SCOOTER! --------------
BURN IN HELL, JEREMY! ----------------
BURN IN HELL, KIMBER! ----------------
DO YOU HAVE AIDS, SCOOTER? -------------------
DO YOU HAVE AIDS, KIMBER? -------------------
DO YOU HAVE AIDS, JEREMY? -------------------
BURN IN HELL, SCOOTER! --------------
BURN IN HELL, JEREMY! ----------------
BURN IN HELL, KIMBER! ----------------

Micky said...

HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!

Micky said...

HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!

Micky said...

But I fear lest, as the serpent seduced Eve by his subtilty, so your minds should be corrupted, and fall from the simplicity that is in Christ. (2 Corinthians 11: 3)

For if he that cometh preacheth another Christ, whom we have not preached; or if you receive another Spirit, whom you have not received; or another gospel which you have not received; you might well bear with him. (2 Corinthians 11: 4)

I wonder that you are so soon removed from him that called you into the grace of Christ, unto another gospel. Which is not another, only there are some that trouble you, and would pervert the gospel of Christ. (Galatians 1: 6 - 7)

But though we, or an angel from heaven, preach a gospel to you besides that which we have preached to you, let him be anathema. (Galatians 1: 8)

Now this I say, that no man may deceive you by loftiness of words. (Colossians 2: 4)

Beware lest any man cheat you by philosophy, and vain deceit; according to the tradition of men, according to the elements of the world, and not according to Christ. (Colossians 2: 8)

Let no man seduce you, willing in humility, and religion of angels, walking in the things which he hath not seen, in vain puffed up by the sense of his flesh,
And not holding the head, from which the whole body, by joints and bands, being supplied with nourishment and compacted, groweth unto the increase of God.
(Colossians 2: 18 - 19)

If then you be dead with Christ from the elements of this world, why do you yet decree as though living in the world?
Touch not, taste not, handle not:
Which all are unto destruction by the very use, according to the precepts and doctrines of men.
(Colossians 2: 20 - 22)

Now the Spirit manifestly saith, that in the last times some shall depart from the faith, giving heed to spirits of error, and doctrines of devils, Speaking lies in hypocrisy, and having their conscience seared, (1 Timothy 4: 1 - 2)

For there shall be a time, when they will not endure sound doctrine; but, according to their own desires, they will heap to themselves teachers, having itching ears: (2 Timothy 4: 3)

Now I beseech you, brethren, to mark them who make dissensions and offences contrary to the doctrine which you have learned, and avoid them. For they that are such, serve not Christ our Lord, but their own belly; and by pleasing speeches and good words, seduce the hearts of the innocent. (Romans 16: 17 - 18)

But there were also false prophets among the people, even as there shall be among you lying teachers, who shall bring in sects of perdition, and deny the Lord who bought them: bringing upon themselves swift destruction.
And many shall follow their riotousnesses, through whom the way of truth shall be evil spoken of.
And through covetousness shall they with feigned words make merchandise of you. Whose judgment now of a long time lingereth not, and their perdition slumbereth not.
(2 Peter 2: 1 - 3)

"Do not participate in the unfruitful works of darkness, but instead even expose them." (Ephesians 5:11-12)

BURN IN HELL, JEREMY! =================

BURN IN HELL, SCOOTER! ================

BURN IN HELL, KIMBER! ================

Micky said...

DO NOT PARTICIPATE IN THE UNFRUITFUL WORKS OF DARKNESS, BUT INSTEAD EVEN EXPOSE THEM.(EPHESIANS 5: 11-12)
===================================
BURN IN HELL, JEREMY! ===================================
BURN IN HELL, SCOOTER! ===================================
BURN IN HELL, KIMBER!
===================================

Micky said...

DO NOT PARTICIPATE IN THE UNFRUITFUL WORKS OF DARKNESS, BUT INSTEAD EVEN EXPOSE THEM.(EPHESIANS 5: 11-12)
===================================
BURN IN HELL, JEREMY! ===================================
BURN IN HELL, SCOOTER! ===================================
BURN IN HELL, KIMBER!
===================================

Micky said...

DO NOT PARTICIPATE IN THE UNFRUITFUL WORKS OF DARKNESS, BUT INSTEAD EVEN EXPOSE THEM.(EPHESIANS 5: 11-12)
===================================
BURN IN HELL, JEREMY! ===================================
BURN IN HELL, SCOOTER! ===================================
BURN IN HELL, KIMBER!
===================================
DO NOT PARTICIPATE IN THE UNFRUITFUL WORKS OF DARKNESS, BUT INSTEAD EVEN EXPOSE THEM.(EPHESIANS 5: 11-12)
===================================
BURN IN HELL, JEREMY! ===================================
BURN IN HELL, SCOOTER! ===================================
BURN IN HELL, KIMBER!
===================================
DO NOT PARTICIPATE IN THE UNFRUITFUL WORKS OF DARKNESS, BUT INSTEAD EVEN EXPOSE THEM.(EPHESIANS 5: 11-12)
===================================
BURN IN HELL, JEREMY! ===================================
BURN IN HELL, SCOOTER! ===================================
BURN IN HELL, KIMBER!
===================================
DO NOT PARTICIPATE IN THE UNFRUITFUL WORKS OF DARKNESS, BUT INSTEAD EVEN EXPOSE THEM.(EPHESIANS 5: 11-12)
===================================
BURN IN HELL, JEREMY! ===================================
BURN IN HELL, SCOOTER! ===================================
BURN IN HELL, KIMBER!
===================================
DO NOT PARTICIPATE IN THE UNFRUITFUL WORKS OF DARKNESS, BUT INSTEAD EVEN EXPOSE THEM.(EPHESIANS 5: 11-12)
===================================
BURN IN HELL, JEREMY! ===================================
BURN IN HELL, SCOOTER! ===================================
BURN IN HELL, KIMBER!
===================================
DO NOT PARTICIPATE IN THE UNFRUITFUL WORKS OF DARKNESS, BUT INSTEAD EVEN EXPOSE THEM.(EPHESIANS 5: 11-12)
===================================
BURN IN HELL, JEREMY! ===================================
BURN IN HELL, SCOOTER! ===================================
BURN IN HELL, KIMBER!
===================================
DO NOT PARTICIPATE IN THE UNFRUITFUL WORKS OF DARKNESS, BUT INSTEAD EVEN EXPOSE THEM.(EPHESIANS 5: 11-12)
===================================
BURN IN HELL, JEREMY! ===================================
BURN IN HELL, SCOOTER! ===================================
BURN IN HELL, KIMBER!
===================================

I'm Scooter, but I might be a troll. said...

So, Kristin, what are you planning to do this weekend?

jeremy said...

i love that i got top-billing finally.