Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Boundaries and Blathering

So, I've been thinking a lot about relationships, lately. Specifically, romantic ones. (Ooooh!)

Seriously, though. I feel as though Shawn and I have finally crossed over that scratchy, irritating line which separates friendship from murderous rage. We no longer feel the urge to bash each other in the face with cast iron frying pans when in each others' presence. This, I think, is a good thing. We're friends now. I feel that finally, something's turned...winter's become spring. There's respect there, and a gentleness with each other that I'm really grateful for. I remember why I liked him for all those years to begin with. And I have to say, a lot of couples can't necessarily say that after their marriage ends. So, good for us.

So this brings me to the question of the next phase of my life. What now?

How do I avoid another soured romance?

How do I keep from crossing that murky border that straddles passionate love and cozy complacency the next time around?

Ooooh, it feels so good to be seen as sexy, inventive, and lovely by someone new. But didn't it also feel so good to be able to lay on the couch with someone, after ten solid years together, and unzip my pants and grab my stomach and go, "Fuck! LOOK at this! I'm disgusting!!!" and have a good laugh together about it?

So. What are appropriate boundaries between couples?

And, how do I learn from the mistakes I made before?

Oh, how awesome the early part of a new relationship can be. You make sacrifices for your lover. You go to a vegan restaurant for her, sit quietly and sip your organic beer without complaint when the waiter brings you suspicious-looking nachos with unchicken and tofu sour cream. She puts her feet, clad only in rubber flipflops, in your lap beneath the table and scoots her seat a little closer so that your bodies can constantly be touching.

Romance is delicious. You infect each other with the desire to be close, to breathe each other in. You get drunk on each other. You can't stop touching. Even in bed, you palm his head or sling an arm over his hip so that you can stay together even when you part in sleep.

So how does this passion, this desire, this hunger, change?


How do you go from getting turned on by the simple sight of your lover's belly button, to ten years later, not really caring if he sees you wipe a booger on the wall behind the bed? (This is, of course, hypothetical. Purely.)

I guess it's only human to crave real intimacy. To feel as comfortable with a person as you do in your favorite old pair of jeans. Right?

So. I'm interested in your opinions here, lovers.

Happy weekend.



catscratch said...

I wish I could tell you something good. But I can't. I'm fighting to keep from leaving this marriage of only 8 months right now. If you figure it out, please let me know, would ya?

Krissyface said...

Cat, My thoughts are with you. Go have a few drinks and see if you can get Big T to give you a nuzzle.

Prunella Jones said...

What a great post!

You ask some good questions. I'll be interested in reading what others have to say about this, as I, myself, have no clue.

kay zee said...

hmmm. I am right now- in my longest relationship of mylife. It's been 1 year, 7 months, 9 days. I am ridiculously comfortable with C.... but still can't wait to see him everyday at home afterwork and like his kisses more than hot and sour soup- (that's alot.)

We'll see... Ask me again in 8 years, 5 months and 21 days or so.

Sproactually said...

First off, good for you and Shawn for behaving like grown ups, its takes some time to get to that point, you have to consider the time you dated, and were married that you still liked each other. Then the other times.. and it takes time, pure and simple. You don't just get over someone you have been with for years in 6 months. But no matter what, for ever and ever you will have to deal with each other becasue of Lily. She will move up in school, have birthdays, go to prom, graduate, get married and so on.

Now, and you've heard it from me before... but you keep avoiding me.. hah!! But now is the time you learn about yourself, who you are and what you want. (I don't know what the time table has been here) In all honesty and truthfullness, I have not be able to allow myself to really commit to someone. So yeah, my advice may be tainted, but you need to be through the seperated phase with the papers stamped and signed that you are divorced. So me thinks a least a year...

You know you can get all this great advice for the price of beer... becasue as far as i'm concerned, lawyers really foul up what is really a simple business transaction.

I think its great that you two are working things out, becasue Lily will be much happier not picking sides, and soon enough she won't have time for either one of you. Don't waste what little you get from her, and be sure to share it with each other.

Obesio said...

I've been married for 15 years and I still get a fluttery, excited feeling when i see my wife walking down the street towards me. We also make each other laugh almost every day. I find her genuinely funny and insightful.

Of course, I still want to creamcram my knobblerod into the schizzes of about 18% of the women I see every day. But that is another matter.

Did I respond to any of the questions?

Anonymous said...

I don't know hat you can completely avoid relationships going sour. You should just resign yourself to flings with hot guys in vegas hotel rooms now and anything more will be a nice surprise.

Anonymous said...

The key is to find a funny redhead, strap yourself on, and feel the Gs, baby.

I think, among other things, you have to both try hard to keep bending to fit each other. Be excited about the changes you can, as well as open and honest (yet nice) about things you don't like.

But the funny redhead thing is pretty important.

Warped Mind of Ron said...

I've got no advice on relationships, I'm only here because I heard someone was going to post naked pictures...

jeremy said...

romance may be delicious, but unchicken nachos? blech.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

You can wipe your boogers on me anytime. Just don't knock off any of mine.

Cindy-Lou said...

Personally, even after 10 years of marriage I'm still peeing with the door closed.

Krissyface said...

Pru, I have no clue either.

KZ, Congrats! You guys sound so mushy and cute. Awww.

Steve, I totally agree about the lawyers. I was so close to doing the whole goddamned thing on the internet. But, my good sense got the better of me. We're doing it about as no frills as you can get though. Fingahs crossed...

Obesio, what's a knobblerod?

Underhill, wait, are you saying you know a hot guy in Vegas?

Jack, I think nice is really important too.

Ron, maybe in my next post. Keep coming back, it works if you work it!!!

Jeremy, you know you loved them. Or maybe you were just desperately starving.

Dyck, Don't worry, I don't think I'll be trying to rearrange your boogers any time soon.

Cindy, Ten years? Hell! You definitely have your boundaries in order, my friend...

Cap'n said...

I think you need to give yourself some more credit...


I am repeating myself.

You deserve it.

Krissyface said...

Cap'n, you are correct. I do deserve it. Keep telling me that.

SagaciousHillbilly said...

Love sucks. Love yourself. Be comfortable with yourself.
Till then, good luck.

Mrs. Redpants said...

It's pure luck with a little (or a lot) of therapy. I have faith in you- your heart is too big and mushy for it not to find the right guy and fall in love again. Just make sure that I love him too. (muy importante)