Wednesday, July 23, 2008

You Got Cooties

This is the newest sensation that's sweeping my house. We had family game night tonight and just when I was beginning to feel around on the floor for a discarded sewing needle, a piece of broken glass, anything sharp I might be able to stick in my eye to detract from the lobotomizingly boring game I was engaged in,

I. rolled. yet. another. five.

See, with this fucking game, you have to all take turns tossing a six-sided die (which, by the way, is super fun to do with a four-and-three-quarter-year-old who believes that the more she shakes the die, blows on it, and the further she throws it, the greater her chances will be of getting a good number), and each number you get corresponds with a Cootie piece: you throw a four, you get to pick your cootie eyes. You throw a two, you get a head. A five gets you antennae. Problem is, once you get the antennae, if you keep on tossing a five every time your goddamned turn comes around, you don't get to do shit. You just pass the die on to the next sucker as you become increasingly bored and angry at a vengeful god.
And you start wondering
a. how even a small child could find anything appealing about this brain-smackingly retarded game, and
b. if anyone would notice/complain if you took a slug of tequila each time you "visited the bathroom".

And you start thinking of other ways to make Cootie interesting.*

For example...

Take the Cootie box.

It is really the perfect size for, I dunno, a small animal, isn't it?


It might be fun to go spend some time out in front of your apartment building a while, catch yourself a squirrel, place him in the Cootie box, and let him, you know, "hang out" in there while you all take turns rolling the dice.
(Note: He might not like it).

Then let's change the Cootie rules a little here. Just for fun.
Let's say the next person to roll a five has to, I don't know, open the box.

I really, really think that would really make the game a hell of a lot more interesting.

*This inventive idea courtesy of this guy.


Warped Mind of Ron said...

Roll a 1 = Shake Box
Roll a 2 = Roll Box
Roll a 3 = Toss Box
Roll a 4 = Hit Box on Wall
Roll a 5 = Scream in Box
Roll a 6 = Open Box

I bet it would be the funnest game of all time!!!

jeremy said...

i'd like to put something else in your box, if you get what i'm saying.

Anonymous said...

Ah, games with children. Does the fun truly ever end?


Anonymous said...

Nice shifty move there, jermemy.

Anonymous said...

...and perhaps one day I'll learn how to spell your name right! woops!

Anonymous said...

Strip cootie. Every time you roll the dice you strip the appropriate article of clothing. A game called cootie should be dirty after all.

Also, don't mock the dice blowing. Your daughter is obviously doing something right.

Krissyface said...

Ron, I doubt Squirrel Nutkin would allow me to scream into the box. He'd probably just launch himself at my face and give me a nice case of rabies before I had the chance.
Good ideas though. Noted.

Jeremy, do you mean, like, your penis? In my vagina? Be more specific, please.

Kate, I think the more appropriate question is, does the fun ever START? And the answer is, most likely, no. Not really.

Underhill, I love that idea. Although I don't think I could play it with Lily, because she never wears any clothes anyway. But other readers who visit my blog might be interested...

Scooter said...

I liked to play trivial pursuit when I was five.

I wasn't very good at it, but I still remember the answers to some of those questions.

Maybe Kim and I can play naked Trivial pursuit on Friday.

flounder said...

Repeat numbers = Ripcord a beer.

That will add a little fun to it.

catscratch said...

Ohhhhh, the days of Cooties, Shoots & Ladders and Candyland.

Me and Miss A (who is nearly 18) will still drag Candyland out now and then when we have Mommy & Kid day.

Speedcat Hollydale said...

I have not seen that game in years!! squirrel squirrel

Krissyface said...

Scooter, OOOH! Take pictures!!!

Flounder, I dont need to roll a die to ripchord a beer, baby. But it might be fun anyway.

Cat, I hope Lily will still wanna play candyland with me when she's almost 18. She doesn't even like it now. That game is BO-to the-RING.

Speedy, yep, and it's still just as lame.

Anonymous said...

You could play strip Cooties. Or just use it for Dick-in-a-Box.

Krissyface said...

Jack, Underhill already said strip cootie.
god, it's like you don't pay attention to my blog at all.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

How about strip Cooties?

Krissyface said...

Those are very itchy. I would not recommend them.

Big Momma Pimpalishisness said...

You have a long road of mind-numbing children's games ahead sister.

A tip for playing Candyland: Just let the kid win, it'll save everyone from a lot of heartache.

Anonymous said...

I'm supposed to pay attention to your blog AND everyone who comments before me? Fuck.