Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Comings and goings

What a difference there is between coming and going.

On the way there, you notice the beauty of flying at night. Out the window the floor is strewn with tiny Christmas lights, endless, with an inky streak of black above. Even higher, you watch as stars breathe into the open sky, so close you could almost swallow them down.

The flight home, though, is different. The sky is flat and gray, heavy with humidity. Takeoff is a dull pull, your body literally tugged between ground and sky. Sky wins, and every second becomes a reminder of being taken further and further away.

You rise into haze, remembering the feel of his body, so present, so solid, the electric hum of a cat purring by your head. You remember things he said into your hair as he touched you. You remember never wanting to move from that place.

Hard to believe that only hours could put such distance between you. It's painful to think about; it's mean.

You still have bits of it with you...a camera filled with pictures, the smell of his home tucked into the clothes in your suitcase, the feel of his sheets on your skin.
But it isn't enough.

You curse the patchwork of ground below you, brown and ordinary, a tangible reminder of the space between you.

You'll get home, it will be freezing. You'll turn on the heat and talk to him on the computer until your eyes are glazed. You'll be grateful that it's 2009 and that you can communicate that way, but still, it isn't the same. It isn't his fingers slipped inside the top of your jeans, it isn't you stepping into his embrace, his arms closing around you like safety, like home. You can't smell his freshly scrubbed skin or his mouth. You can't feel his fingers wrapped tightly around yours.

So you comfort yourself with hope. With thoughts of a future. Of a time when a morning alarm simply means getting up for work, parting for the day instead of for weeks at a time.

You ease back into your days without him. And it starts to feel less like an open sore. You tell yourself that this is temporary.
It's just a matter of time.

That some day soon you'll be able to stop having to say goodbye.

18 comments:

The Third String said...

You truly brought a tear to my eye. That was touching. And very well written. And very true. Things will be differnt soon enough. They will. Remember... sometimes I just know things, right?

xl said...

Uh, you went to see Micky?

Krissyface said...

String, I believe you. ESP, don't fail me now...

XL, how did you know?

jeremy said...

i thought you were talking about me for a second, but then i got to the part about his body feeling solid and now i guess i'm going to have to kick someone's ass...

Just Sayin' said...

Really nice imagery. You're a great writer.

One of us is a troll. said...

Kris, that was very poignant. I wish the both of you swift and safe travels, always.

Stringy is good, stringy is wise...

ty bluesmith said...

[hug]

Jack said...

Get out of my head! This is exactly how my relationship with Jeremy was. My pubes still remember the whispering... And on the plane, all those stars in the sky yelling, "take it, take it all, bitch."

I feel for you Krissy. Hang in there.

Memphis Steve said...

You described it all so very well. I know that feeling. It's so hard. And the feeling of seeing your 'home' rising up beneath you when it's not where you want to be, it's agony.

Wow, that was awkward said...

And here I just thought you were gonna entertain me with your hilarious wit. I didn't know you are a sap too. :)

Prunella Jones said...

You know what's sad? Reading that actually makes me long to have a far away love to feel that way about. Guess it's time to start stalking Johnny Depp again.

Anonymous said...

Just make sure you use protection so that you don't get stuck with raising another one by yourself, sweetheart! Single mothers are so cliche!

nitewalk6 said...

Beautiful

and my Word Verification for this post is "bracily"?
New from Platex?

Krissyface said...

Jeremy, Read more closely.

Just Sayin, Thanks!

Scoot, thank you. Always count on you to amp up my self esteem.

Ty, hugs back.

Jack, He's all mine now. So suck it.

Steve, do you ? I didn't know you had this experience...do tell...

Awkward, Don't worry, I'll be back with smartassery tomorrow.

Pru, Johnny actually told me he misses the letters you used to write him in blood. Ah, romance...

Anonymous, What a thoughtful comment! I hadn't even considered that. If only you'd identified yourself, I could have thanked you by name. (Pussy).

Nitewalk, That's funny. my friend told me his word verification was beerhut or something last week. Its like they KNOW us or something.

Jack said...

Did somebody say pussy?

Errant Gosling said...

Wonderful post. I hate the journey home.

xl said...

**** BURN AFTER READING ****
I DON'T WANT TO CAUSE A FOOD FIGHT ON YOUR BLOG!
**** BURN AFTER READING ****

Apparently, Micky is not a big fan of Toni Basil! Who knew? After the lyrics comment, he followed over to my place and left about 15 of his patented spams. Deleted immediately

He should be grateful, this was my first choice:

So come on and give it to me anyway you can.

Anyway you want to do it I'll take it like a man.


:)
xl

Krissyface said...

Jack, yeah I said pussy. To the insightful reader who said single mamas are cliche. Omglol.

Gosling, Thanks for reading! I visited your blog too and you write beautifully.

XL, Oh NO! I'm sorry Spammy McBurninhell has been visiting you. He's quite the character, yes?

(not really).