Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Nighttime Questions

Lily and I were snuggled under her princess blanket last night and I had just finished singing three Joni Mitchell songs to try and get her to fall asleep. I thought she was out, but then she popped up her head and said, "Mama, Do you have to get married before you have a baby, or after?"

I sighed. "Well, some people do it before. A lot of people, I guess. And some do it after, too. And also, some people never get married, and they still have babies".

She nodded slowly, staring past me.

"Oh. Ok. So...were you married when you, you know, did the...the thing..."

She giggled self-consciously. Now. Here was a golden opportunity for hip mama, sexually open, you-can-ask-me-anything mama to swoop down with her pink PVC cape and strap-on and save the day.

But Hip Mama totally failed me. I start to giggle too.

"The...thing? What, um, thing, sweetie?" (I know what's coming, and I want soooo much to be cool about it, so why the fuck am I reverting to 4th grade, braces-clad, braided-hair Kristin who just learned what a tampon is in health class?!!)

Lily looked stricken. "NO! You're gonna laugh. It's hard for me to ask."

I straightened up. Ahem. "Honey. You can ask me anything. Anything."

"Well," She paused. "I'm talking about the... the thing in the...butt".

Then I totally lost it. I busted out laughing. Shit, there goes my chance for a sexually healthy kid. I'm screwed.

No, my kid isn't a little perv who is confusing sodomy with intercourse. Trust me. She just can't tell her butt from her little ladyparts. She never could. No matter how many times she sits naked on the couch with her legs swung over her shoulders, pointing at her hiney, asking, "Mama, this is where the pee comes out, right? And the baby too?", and no matter how many times I gently correct her, the kid still doesn't understand what's going on down there.

So I said, "Sweetie, do you mean the penis in the vagina?"

"Yes! yes that! That!" (Big relief spread across her face).

"That's sex. Intercourse. And no, you don't have to be married to do that. But it is something people who are in love, um, do."

Hip Mama gets a big, fat F.

29 comments:

The Third String said...

I wish I'd been there to witness the look on your face

jeremy said...

if you're trying to tell me that i have to put a ring on your finger before you'll let me go backdoor, just say it.

Krissyface said...

String, I'll try and reenact it for you.

J, you said you weren't a back door man.

Jack said...

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!

That's great, I love that. She may just be confused, but she's got to get that straightened out before she tells a guy to do the wrong thing.

And you and J haven't done it up the butt?! WTF?! Wait, that's a lie. I get it now.

Do you have a real crotch strapon, or one of those lame hip ones (that are only okay if you're wearing multiples)?

xl said...

I blame Joni Mitchel and her suggestive lyrics for setting off that little scenario.

Krissyface said...

Jack, Multiples? The visual for that is...well, can you maybe expound on that a bit?

XL, I know. Joni is a fucking whore.

nitewalk6 said...

Congrats Mom on the first of many convo's to be had.
At least she asked you and isn't learning in the streets OR first hand.

kay zee said...

I give you a D+

Whaddakid!

Warped Mind of Ron said...

LOL... You did a good job. I think very few parents are prepared for that conversation. Glad she feels OK talking to you about that stuff I'm sure it will only get worse for you as time goes by.

Wow, that was awkward said...

My six year old asked me why guys have nipples. That is a fabulous question when you think about it. He reminded me that mommys feed babies that way, but guys don't, so why do we have them?

I said, "We have them just in case," thinking he would have a slew of follow up questions. He must have been tired (he was in bed) because somehow that answer satisfied him. I'll take a D- on that one.

Effortlessly Average said...

I think Hip Mom also dodged the question: Were you married when you first did it in the butt?

lmao

Just Sayin' said...

I said what what? In the butt!

Next time use visual aids...This oughta' do nicely

The Self-Deprechaun said...

What What in the Butt!

Your kid is a genius. The next Dr. Ruth! and you are a hip, hot mama!

I will also need some book learnin' on how babies come about.

Micky said...

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Micky said...

THE THIRD STRING,
IS A
FORNICATOR!


BURN IN HELL,

Krissyface said...

Hey guys!

So, this hateful nutjob is why I turned on comment mod again. Not because his retarded comments are upsetting, but because he spams me with like 50 at a time (I assume after the world has gone to sleep and he's alone with his homosexual thoughts and a bottle of jack).

Anyway, I left one or two comments up so you can see what a wackjob he is, and in case any of you want to visit his blog and say HI (or burn in hell!). I've been trying to play nice with this freak, but the gloves are off.

Hey, John, you're a FORNICATOR!!!

Love, Me

Krissyface said...

Also, Jesusfreak is a total pussy.

Until recently, he was allowing comments to freely flow into his blog. Now he's moderating. Probably because he doesn't want to deal with direct questions about why he is so hateful and crazy.

Ah, well. BURN IN HELL, Y'ALL!!!

Just kidding.

The Third String said...

fornication kicks ass!

One of us is a troll. said...

Damn it.

I'm sorry Kris. I guess the nut is bored with me, rather than our group. I think I am getting Stockholm syndrome, you know, where you identify with your attacker?

I guess I am either going to get spammed or he'll try to post as me, or something soon enough though...

jeremy said...

shit, i think john got to him way more than i did...

kay zee said...

RE: nut job


Kris- I don't think he's at home with a bottle of jack. A bottle of Jack has way too much class.


My bet is a bottle of Cool Mint Listerine.

The Third String said...

If you're keeping score that's
Third String: 1
Jeremy: 0
Your serve buddy.

Krissyface said...

What's that gin the homeless guys drink and then throw onto the subway tracks? Gordon's?

Yep, he's a Gordons-and-gay-porn kind of man. No doubt.

xl said...

Hey Mickey - you've been around all night
And that's a little long.
You think you've got the right but I think you've got it wrong.

Mickey
Toni Basil

Effortlessly Average said...

You know, I was wondering why it was so crowded down here in Hell all of a sudden. Now I know why...Mickey...f'ing hater. Dang, and here I had my own table before all of you showed up. Now I have to sit with the likes of Simon Cowell and Anne Coulter. Thanks a lot!

Jack said...

So, how it works is, you're wearing one center strapon, and one on each thigh. So one person can ride you cowgirl/reverse cowgirl, while two more pound your thigh strapons.

Jack said...

Heh, heh. "Mama gets a big, fat F"

Right. Up. The...

Prunella Jones said...

Maybe if Micky had a little ass play he'd relax and quit being such an uptight freak.

I love Lily! What a fabulous kid she is! I think you did a great job answering her too.

King said...

My daughter asked me when she was six, "Is it true the penis goes in the vagina?"

Definitely didn't want to answer it but trying to be honest and forthright I said, "Yes, but only grown-ups do that."