Nighttime Questions

Lily and I were snuggled under her princess blanket last night and I had just finished singing three Joni Mitchell songs to try and get her to fall asleep. I thought she was out, but then she popped up her head and said, "Mama, Do you have to get married before you have a baby, or after?"

I sighed. "Well, some people do it before. A lot of people, I guess. And some do it after, too. And also, some people never get married, and they still have babies".

She nodded slowly, staring past me.

"Oh. Ok. So...were you married when you, you know, did the...the thing..."

She giggled self-consciously. Now. Here was a golden opportunity for hip mama, sexually open, you-can-ask-me-anything mama to swoop down with her pink PVC cape and strap-on and save the day.

But Hip Mama totally failed me. I start to giggle too.

"The...thing? What, um, thing, sweetie?" (I know what's coming, and I want soooo much to be cool about it, so why the fuck am I reverting to 4th grade, braces-clad, braided-hair Kristin who just learned what a tampon is in health class?!!)

Lily looked stricken. "NO! You're gonna laugh. It's hard for me to ask."

I straightened up. Ahem. "Honey. You can ask me anything. Anything."

"Well," She paused. "I'm talking about the... the thing in the...butt".

Then I totally lost it. I busted out laughing. Shit, there goes my chance for a sexually healthy kid. I'm screwed.

No, my kid isn't a little perv who is confusing sodomy with intercourse. Trust me. She just can't tell her butt from her little ladyparts. She never could. No matter how many times she sits naked on the couch with her legs swung over her shoulders, pointing at her hiney, asking, "Mama, this is where the pee comes out, right? And the baby too?", and no matter how many times I gently correct her, the kid still doesn't understand what's going on down there.

So I said, "Sweetie, do you mean the penis in the vagina?"

"Yes! yes that! That!" (Big relief spread across her face).

"That's sex. Intercourse. And no, you don't have to be married to do that. But it is something people who are in love, um, do."

Hip Mama gets a big, fat F.