Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Big Pimpin'

I need a new job.

I'm spending a lot of time on Craig's List lately, applying for every single opening in my field, and I'm sick of coming up with fresh, snappy cover letters specific to each position.

"I'm an out-of-the-box thinker!"

"I'm so organized, people think I have OCD!"

"Please visit my web site to view my varied and dynamic portfolio!"


Please. Fuck this. I am so bad at selling myself. This is why my freelance business is currently stagnating. I can't pimp myself out for shit.

Here are some excerpts from today's exciting job postings:

"CATALOG designer to work ON-SITE for a company that produces TEDDY BEARS and STUFFED animals...
The client is requesting a designer who can show work that is whimsical and magical and teddy bear driven - you know, cute stuff. Think Hello Kitty catalogs for grizzly bears..."
(Hello Kitty for GRIZZLY BEARS? Really?)

"Photography company needs assistance on wedding album designs...we are looking for a multi-tasker with a great sense of humor!" (Why? Because wedding photos are so goddamned cheesy and pathetic all you do is laugh at the ridiculousness of them? Count me in!)

Recently I answered an ad for a freelance designer to lay out a calendar for a "gay guy who wants to surprise my boyfriend with a playful present for the new year".
Hey, I thought, this sounds like a fun project. And I love the gays.

Then I called the guy. And he called me back 5 minutes later. This is never a good sign: too eager.

Him: "Hey! So, I don't really need a designer, per se...what I really need is a photographer."

Me: "Well, I'm not a photographer though; I'm a graphic designer".

Him: "That's OK! I have a digital camera. You can come to my apartment and we can do the photo shoot here...what's your hourly rate?"

Me: "Um...well, I dunno...$75?"

Him: "Cool. That's fine. So....yeah, would you feel comfortable taking nude photos of me?"

Me: "Nudes? well, I suppose that would be alright."

Him: "How about ... well, photos of me, you know, ejaculating?"

At that point I politely wished him good luck and suggested he might want to just contact a cheap escort service in the east village if all he wants is to jerk off in front of someone.

See? This is what I deal with.

It's goddamned rough out there.

20 comments:

Jack said...

Sorry, K. You deserve your perfect job: graphically designing guys jerking off.

But, seriously, good luck finding something you'll enjoy. 8^)

Booya said...

You owe me a new keyboard because this one is soaked with coffee.

Kimber said...

Hmmm.. where do you live? Can I have his #? Sounds like a quick buck for a flat fee. Actually I should just post my own ad on CL - I'll take pics of anything - $250.00 for up to an hour. Hmmm...

kay zee said...

HAHA,
I can't believe you didn't go for it!
;)

Warped Mind of Ron said...

Ok how about just taking the nude photos. That means your naked when you take the pictures, right? Hmmm... and lets see $75 an hour I will most likely only need you for about 5 minutes so that means $6.25 for you :)

Seriously, best of luck in the job hunt!!

xl said...

Hey, at least the photo guy wasn't requiring "hands on" job training!

Krissyface said...

Jack, In the immortal words of Mr. George Michael, you just gotta have faith (faith, faith). (butt shake)

Boo, coffee? do tell. Ohhhh, it's because I done made you laugh so much, right? Right?

Kim, Bring Scooter with you when you go though. I have a feeling he might want more than photos.

KZ, I'm not quite that desperate yet. Talk to me again next month.

Ron, wait, that just doesn't compute.

XL, Waka waka!

catscratch said...

Doh! Friggin pervs, huh?

Oh yah, I always just cut/paste my cover letters and change a word here and there.

nitewalk6 said...

Perhaps you should investigate this proposition as a new business venture. The gay guys are very loyal and when the 'word of mouth' referrals start who knows where it cuold go.
Think about the franchising possibilities (esp SF)

Vegas Linda Lou said...

As useful as craigslist can be, in some ways it's just pretty goddamn sleazy. I can't tell you how many writer jobs I've come across that expect people with degrees and experience to work for $10/hour. Personal ads are even worse!

The Third String said...

I'm amazed at the amount of people that simply don't respond. Although your story is rather... amusing. Perhaps you should try it in reverse. Post an ad. I charge $75 / hour. Will pose nude.

Krissyface said...

Cat, I'm totally doing that too. Sigh. I feel like in this economy though, I'm spamming the hell out of potential employers.

Nitewalk, I never thought of it like that...

Linda, I'm seeing that too. I'm too lazy to follow up with my Monster acct. or any other one though...

String, But I don't WANT to pose nude. I would consider doing one of those foot fetish parties though, you know, where guys pay you to, um, have fun with your feet?

TED VELVET said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
TED VELVET said...

how's about 80 bucks an hour but if it hits you I throw in an extra $100?

or you could just do this:
craigslist cock photographer

TED VELVET said...

woops forgot the link
for afore mentioned cock photographer
http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/f3a2605847/craigslist-penis-photographer-featuring-bob-odenkirk-from-fod-team

Krissyface said...

Cockphotographer.

That's a mouthful.

Omglol.

Just Sayin' said...

Hey! They don't call it the "money shot" for nothin'... Ba dum tish.

Jack said...

Mouthful. Ha. You've got a pretty big mouth...

MsPuddin said...

boy do i feel you.as far as the streneous cover letter revamp.please.kill.me.ugh.

Pronto said...

I think the technical term is actually "Cockographer",

And, $75 an hour isn't all that bad.....