I need a new job.
I'm spending a lot of time on Craig's List lately, applying for every single opening in my field, and I'm sick of coming up with fresh, snappy cover letters specific to each position.
"I'm an out-of-the-box thinker!"
"I'm so organized, people think I have OCD!"
"Please visit my web site to view my varied and dynamic portfolio!"
Please. Fuck this. I am so bad at selling myself. This is why my freelance business is currently stagnating. I can't pimp myself out for shit.
Here are some excerpts from today's exciting job postings:
"CATALOG designer to work ON-SITE for a company that produces TEDDY BEARS and STUFFED animals...
The client is requesting a designer who can show work that is whimsical and magical and teddy bear driven - you know, cute stuff. Think Hello Kitty catalogs for grizzly bears..."
(Hello Kitty for GRIZZLY BEARS? Really?)
"Photography company needs assistance on wedding album designs...we are looking for a multi-tasker with a great sense of humor!" (Why? Because wedding photos are so goddamned cheesy and pathetic all you do is laugh at the ridiculousness of them? Count me in!)
Recently I answered an ad for a freelance designer to lay out a calendar for a "gay guy who wants to surprise my boyfriend with a playful present for the new year".
Hey, I thought, this sounds like a fun project. And I love the gays.
Then I called the guy. And he called me back 5 minutes later. This is never a good sign: too eager.
Him: "Hey! So, I don't really need a designer, per se...what I really need is a photographer."
Me: "Well, I'm not a photographer though; I'm a graphic designer".
Him: "That's OK! I have a digital camera. You can come to my apartment and we can do the photo shoot here...what's your hourly rate?"
Me: "Um...well, I dunno...$75?"
Him: "Cool. That's fine. So....yeah, would you feel comfortable taking nude photos of me?"
Me: "Nudes? well, I suppose that would be alright."
Him: "How about ... well, photos of me, you know, ejaculating?"
At that point I politely wished him good luck and suggested he might want to just contact a cheap escort service in the east village if all he wants is to jerk off in front of someone.
See? This is what I deal with.
It's goddamned rough out there.
4 days ago