Thursday, February 7, 2008

People need to pay better attention to my delicate lady parts

I'm really tired of getting sub-par service at salons that specialize in working on my sensitive areas. For example, I spent a fuck ton to have a brazillian bikini wax last week and not only did the woman keep waxing and re-waxing the same spot (a very sensitive spot, at that) until I felt like I'd been rubbing myself against a barnacle, she actually coughed on my vagina at one point. Like, coughed right on it! Didn't cover her mouth or anything. Disgusting. Of course I tipped the bitch. I don't know any better. I think I was in shock.

Then today, I treated myself to a threading of my eyebrows and upper lip (an eye-wateringly painful but so worth-it process where someone pulls each errant hair out individually at the root with a string of thread. I don't get it either, but it hardly even grows back).

The eyebrows I don't always do, because I can just pluck those. I love to pluck anything on my body. Ingrown leg hairs, the occasional confused pubic hair that finds itself growing out of my chin. But the upper lip I try to get done professionally at least every three weeks, or I end up looking like one of my old Italian Aunts. I had one aunt in particular, god rest her soul, whose moustache was not only thick and unruly, but yellowish from tar b/c she smoked like a chimney while sitting on her plastic-enshrouded couch. I don't smoke, but I am definitely in the genetic line to inherit the 'stache if I'm not careful. So I'm extremely careful.

This threading woman abused me too. I ought to have kicked her ass. I left the salon fine, but went home to find red, swollen, raw patches at the corners of my mouth which I of course could not stop licking at like a lion with a thorn in its paw. Ouch. I'm pissed.

Maybe I need to pay better money for these services. Or maybe these people just need to take better care of me. WTF???!!!

11 comments:

kay zee said...

SO RIDICULOUSLY OFF TOPIC, but the "vag-cough" could be a close cousin to the "Grilled Sneeze sandwich".
A friend once stopped at a highway resto for some grub and when the waitress was bringing her sandwich over she sneezed right on it.

kay zee said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Mister Underhill said...

This is the hottest post ever.

Now that she coughed on it you have cooties, though.

Prunella Jones said...

Oh, I too am obsessed with plucking stray hairs. I hate the blonde fuzz that grows underneath my eyebrows. It drives me nuts.

Too bad about the cough. Maybe the wax lady has grown allergic to vagina? It's probably a hazzard of the trade.

Scooter said...

GAH! I have never been so grateful for being born male. I currently have a full beard, and if anyone came near my face with a string, I would punch them.

Wow, women will never know how much respect I have for them for enduring such painful cosmetic procedures.

I'd kiss a lady with a 'stache. I bet it would tickle.

jeremy said...

when she coughed, did it kind of sound like she was saying "douche?"

because the old fake cough routine is probably how i'd tell you to clean things up down there, too.

Krissyface said...

Kay Zeeeeee...
I'd have asked that waitress for another sandwich.
Actually, I'd throw up, then ask for another sandwich.

Mr. U...
I had cooties already :)

Pru...
I would say she's maybe allergic to vag, but she did such a piss poor job down there I got the feeling she hadn't been at it too long.

Scooter...
It does tickle ;P

Jeremy...
I laughed out loud at that one. OUT LOUD. Because it is so true. I'm sure that's what she's trying to say.

kbk said...

I know a great waxing technician, if you want one, but you'll have to come up to my hood.

BUMBLE!!! said...

2 questions)

A: How much is a fuck ton equal to?
B: So you're saying that to have your vaginal area coughed on isn't pleasant? Not having one, I wouldn't know, but your answer will be information I'll use for later.

Have a great weekend that hopefully has no eye wateringly painful procedures.

Shambhu said...

I'd have at least asked for dissinfectant after the sneeze.
Here's more about shambhu than you'd ever care to know. I like to keep everything above my package trimmed as short as can be. Every thing below,(gnads,taint,inside of my thighs, some butt cheek, crack, and everything with in my butt crack)-hairless. I do it myself, I'm a plucker. If I've let it go, and it becomes a jungle, I go at it with pliers(for multiple hair pullings),tweezers, and a mirror. It takes about three hours. After that I can do a daily maintenance,plucking hairs as they begin to grow. That only takes about fifteen minutes a day. My wife likes it, but I do it mainly for me. I like the hairless feeling down there, and the lack of itchiness. When I pluck the hairs, it's come to feel like a relief as they come out. It's nice to make that time just for me everyday tending to personal grooming. It bolsters my self-esteem. If I had the cash for such things, I'd have all those hairs permenantly removed with a laser.

Krissyface said...

Bumble...
A. About fifty smackers
B. I think it's not pleasant, no. Definitely not pleasant to have your lady parts hacked onto by a stranger. So I hope that answers your question.

Shambu...
I am realizing after reading your comment that
A. More and more men are keeping their nether regions clean and I am really grateful for that
B. Plucking is more common than I thought. I get such a charge out of taking a tweezers to my legs after a long day!...I always thought it was like cutting or something and I was kind of ashamed to admit I did it because it calmed me down. I was afraid I was like Lindsay Lohan. But now I know I'm normal. Thank goodness for you, Shambhu.