Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Looks like I picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue

...And the wrong year to be a contracted graphic designer at an investment bank, D'oh!

Oh, it's just so typical. I finally pop a tentative pinky toe back into the vast sea of the American workforce (after a 3.5 year hiatus to be home with Lily), and the economy dumps itself so far down the crapper it may take years for it to come back.
Great, that's just great. Thanks, god. Kick ass.

I can't shake the same sinking feeling I had when, a year after moving to NYC, 9/11 happened. I am starting to see a trend here, folks. I know it's egocentric, but you can't deny the 'coincidences'.

I obviously make things happen. Bad things. Maybe I'm tainted. Or radioactive. Or just a plain old bad luck charm, like The Hope Diamond. Those of you in Los Angeles (and you know who you are) better thank your lucky stars I haven't moved into your neighborhood, because you just know the Big One is waiting for me to hit town before it rocks the state of California into the ocean, Thank You and Good Night.

But I digress.

I can't spend hours obsessing over the (very real) possiblitiy of losing my job. I'm trying, instead, to get proactive. Focus my energies on my god-given talents and brainstorm about what I can do to ensure that Lily and I don't end up on the street, or worse, back on Long Island. (Just kidding mom! Hee hee! Still got that spare bedroom, right?)

So on my way to the train this morning I saw my scantily-clad neighbor who I am pretty sure is what you disgusting people call a Lady of the Evening.
The difference is, though, that she treks up and down the streets at all hours of the day and night in her Spandex microminis and rubber boots. She gets into black Lincoln Town Cars with tinted windows and speeds off to unknown neighborhood destinations, to engage in activities I can only imagine in my (very vivid, somewhat horny) imagination.

I don't know. I could be totally off the mark here. Maybe she is just a Starbucks barista who likes to dress slutty and splurge on car services to work. But really, I don't think so.

So, here's what I'm thinking. It's good to have a backup career, right? And you should pick something you're good at, otherwise, what's the point? And in this economy, I think a cash business is really the best way to go.

So, I figure I'll catch her on her way to 'work' on one of these breezy mornings/afternoons/evenings, and sort of chat her up about how one might go about breaking into her 'profession'.

Like I said, proactive, folks. Get your ducks lined up in a row and have a backup plan. Watch and learn from me, darlings.

Watch and learn.


Warped Mind of Ron said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Warped Mind of Ron said...

What a coincidence I was looking into getting into a career in managing talented young ladies that work in the "relaxation" industry. Please feel free to send me your resume and pictures and be prepared for an in depth interviewing process. Come work for me where I care about my workers and my pimp hand is silky smooth.

Krissyface said...

Pimp hand?

Scooter said...

Uh... I believe New York has a pretty vibrant adult film industry. If you are gonna get into sex work, why not get in to the sectors that are 100 per cent legal?

I believe you would be classified as a hot Italian MILF, right? Plenty of market share for your archetype.

xl said...

Well, there's always a demand.

Booya said...

Just hop in the car with her and chat her up during the ride. And if you can put your morals on a hanger, there are sugar-daddies o'plenty here in Dallas. I'm just saying.

Prunella Jones said...

Well, I've found that pole dancing is pretty steady work. The republicans haven't found a way to outsource tits yet.

Warped Mind of Ron said...

Pimp Hand
1. (n.) A sign of virility, strength or social efficacy. An informal measure of one's ability to mack, pimp, or generally to get play, action or get your freak on. Generally characterized as "strong" or "weak."
2. To "exercise one's pimp hand": to increase one's skill at short-term sexual interactions, or to demonstrate such.
3. One's ability to control one's bitches.
4. A back-handed slap, used to emphasize superiority, or a forthcoming need to choke a bitch.

Thanks to Urban Dictionary for the definition :-)

jeremy said...

you're tainted, alright...

Kimber said...

I was thinking of selling my dirty panties to people on the internet. Or, perhaps there is a few people out there who like to watch skinny get it on with chubby chicks? I'm sure there is! You could get paid big money to let guys rub your feet. There's BIG money in fetishes to be had!!I'm gonna look it up right now... thanks for the inspiration!

catscratch said...

I've never said I was above being a lady of the evening

I'd be damn good at it, but let's face it... in this poor ass town I live in, I'd be lucky to make enough to pay the rent.

Sproactually said...

I hope you job hangs in there... I know what your feeling... and it's not good. We have all had 1 round of cuts, and the rumor mill is A-BUZZ with more.

As usual, it seems no managers are affected.

nitewalk6 said...

Where does the line begin?? J/K
I'm still thinkin the painted rat idea is a freakin gold mine!

Anonymous said...

I feel pretty confident that, were you to move into my neighborhood, you could go downtown and give out BIG Os for a ton of cash. At least that's what I hear.

Krissyface said...

Scoot, that's not a bad idea. I've sadly aged out of the 'young college girl first time' sector, so MILF it is.

XL, yup, and even more if they end up legalizing that shit. The career options are endless...

Booya, I'm too old for a sugar daddy. Seriously, I checked. They want impressionable girls in their early 20s for that shit. Plus, I'm too much of a jaded wiseass. My sugar daddy would probably fire me.

Pru, If I had your tits, I'd probably have steady work too. Unfortunately, there isn't much call around here for my pre-Raphaelite look (ie curved like a pear) to be working the local pole. Plus, I'm getting hives thinking about how much I would have to wax. Not even funny.

Ron, I so love that, and intend to pepper all conversations with it going forward:
"This is fun you guys, but I'd better get home. My boyfriend's got a pretty sweet pimp hand, get me?"

Jeremy, I am? Oh.

Kim, I actually found a dude on the internet last night who will pay $200 to lick my toes on camera. Thoughts?

Cat, move to New York!!! Or San Fran!!!

Steve, It is scary. I'm trying not to think about it. Unfortunately, I'm not very good at that.

Nitewalk, Let's do it. Painted rats for all my friends! (channeling Mickey Rourke in 'Barfly')

Jack, Yeah, but then the big earthquake would hit and I'd bite off some poor guy's penis. I can't have that on my conscience, man.
wait, heard from WHOM?!?!?!?!

Mr. Poopie said...

"One's ability to control one's bitches"...Haha, I almost fell out of my chair!

Thanks for the advice, I think I might try a profession in man-whoring. "Here fishy fishy fishy . . ."

Mon said...

gawd, and I thought I had weirdass google searches landing in my blog. Yours has gotta look pretty sexy, err, spooky.

Anyway, what's with the bloody 'fertile' title? I was expectin' to read all about your gardening exploits. Now I'm adding a city wench to my blogfeedread. That's got to send my feed 'trend' warpy.

Anonymous said...

Your mama.

::::wifemothermaniac:::: said...

I've also wondered why this blog is called fertile! And, are you looking for any kind of web design freelance type work?

Krissyface said...

Hey Poop, which is it, man-whoring or manning the whores?


Jack, my mom. nice. She needs to meet my pimp hand.

Mon, love your blog. It's so interesting and refreshing to read.
I called my blog fertile b/c you know, I'm a mom (so my bod is fertile) but also I write stuff, so my mind is fertile too. Made sense to me at the time.

Mommaniac, YES~~~~ always looking for freelance. Email me!!!