Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Some people think it's gross, but it's really good on toast

I was suffering on Tuesday from a terrible stomach virus. My poor belly felt like a giant clenched fist that was repeatedly getting stabbed with a sharp, splintered stake. Plus, I was shitting fire.

Lily had the day off from school, so I decided to call in to work so that I might recuperate. The ever-faithful Isabel was coming for a few hours to take the kid out to play so mommy could sleep, and Lil and I spent the morning laying about and taking it easy.

The two of us were sprawled on the carpet watching the Barbie movie for the umpteenth time (I rue the day I bought that piece of shit DVD), when suddenly I felt a giant gas bubble start demanding its release out my ass. So I simply let it go.

Except it wasn't a gas bubble.

It was all liquid, baby.

This is what my college friends and I used to call 'Oops Poops', since heavy drinking and heaping servings of nachos and mini cheeseburgers at 3 in the morning would sometimes produce this same effect. Mind you, for some of my friends. Never for me. Never, ever for me.

I think it's probably been a good 29 years since I shit my pants. In fact, I remember distinctly the last time...it was in first grade, and I was sitting on the cold tile floor of my classroom in the dark, watching a film strip about bugs on a rainy Friday. I needed to pass gas and instead totally squirted myself.

With heart-stopping horror I realized what I had done, but I popped a finger inside the waistband of my Wonder Woman undies to make sure.

Then I was sure.

I came away with a fingerful of poop and desperate not to be found out, quickly wiped it on the floor in front of me. I remember a couple of kids sniffing suspiciously and turning around and me kind of looking around too, like, "What disgusting pig would have shit their pants in FIRST GRADE?!?!"

Well, this incident the other day wasn't quite as embarrassing, since I was in my own living room, wearing my soft, comfy PJs, and was able to cup my hand under my behind and run to the bathroom where I quickly stripped and hurled myself into the shower.

"Mommy just had a little accident, baby! I'll be out in a second!" I sing-songed as I scrubbed myself raw.

This of course prompted Wee One to pad into the bathroom, where she spied my stained PJs and immediately cried, "MOMMY! Did you POOP your PANTS?!"

"It happens, honey," I called nonchalantly. "Even to grownups." I was determined not to make this a big deal. Whatevs, right? Everyone shits themselves sometimes. I'm certain of it.

I cleaned myself up, washed out the PJs and slipped into some soft sweats. The doorbell rang and it was our Isabel, there to save me.

Lily, The Informer, swung open the door and greeted her with, "Mama's not feeling very well today. She pooped in her pants."

I honestly don't know which experience is more humbling:
The stomach flu, or motherhood.

24 comments:

Warped Mind of Ron said...

LOL... White Castles hamburgers can cause the same thing, but they taste so good :)

Just hope that Lily doesnt use that greeting for the next month or more.

Scooter said...

Oh, it's all right, Kris. At least you didn't crap on Lily. That would have scarred her for life.

Jack said...

I've had similar traumatic experiences. Are you feeling better today?

Pronto said...

ummmmm

as much as i enjoy a good poop (story)....

TMI ?

Cat said...

Yikes! I hope you are feeling better! I vote motherhood! Cat

Chele said...

wow I saw good on toast in the headline, then the post just took on a whole new direction

jeremy said...

what a shitty day.

Memphis Steve said...

I did that 2 years ago. I was home sick and was standing in the kitchen saying 'goodbye' to the wife as she left for work. I needed to fart and thought I'd entertain her with a good blast. Well, it wasn't a fart, but it certainly did entertain her.

Krissyface said...

Ron, I miss white castle.

Scoot, I didn't crap on my kid, but that's not out of the realm of possibility if she doesn't straighten up, know what I'm saying?

Jack, I'm ok. Not 100 percent. You pooped your pants too? Recently?
Spill.


Pronto, honey, how long have you been reading my blog?

Chele, You were expecting...something about vegemite, perhaps?


Jeremy, um...yes. Quite so. OH! I see what you did there. good one.

Steve, I think I'd be entertained by that. But that's just me. I'm disgusting.

Mr. Poopie said...

Kids are funny as shit! I mean, uh, . . . . nevermind.

Booya said...

Ahh yes, the old acid ass as we refer to it. Sorry to hear you are having a bout with digestive draino, I do hope that it passes soon. Just imagine the trouser trauma had you been wearing a thong!

Sadly, I am sure almost everyone has had this happen to them at least 3 dozen times or so. I remember being on a long car trip and in the middle of nowhere …

Oh hell no, I am not telling that story. Hope you feel better soon.

Jack said...

I took the fam to Vegas once and we all got super-sick. And then I shit myself. That's all, really.

xl said...

From the title, I was going with Vegemite, then things veered off in another direction. Entirely.

Hope you are feeling better. =)

Prunella Jones said...

I poop myself everytime I picture the McCain/Palin ticket winning the election.

nitewalk6 said...

A new meaning to "She's a squirter"

Sproactually said...

Its not offically a blog until we get to Bowl Movements.

And we have a arrived.

Hope your better..

MR style said...

LOL

Krissyface said...

Poop, also, shit is as fun as shit. But you must already know that.

Booya, 3 dozen? Please elaborate...

Jack, Vegas is an awesome family getaway. The kids play blackjack?

XL, yeah, but it looks a lot like vegemite...

Pru, me too, darlin. Meeee tooooo. Also, I vomit profusely.


Nitewalk, yep, a different kind of squirting entirely. wait, what?

Steve, I feel like someone should lay out a red carpet and slap a coronation robe on me.

Mr. Style, I know, right? By the way, interesting blog...

::::wifemothermaniac:::: said...

holy shit you write some funny words here.

Fucktard Savant said...

That story was hot.

Effortlessly Average said...

Now THAT would have been a call-in I'd have paid to hear: "um, yeah, I won't be in today. I'm shitting fire."

Mrs. Redpants said...

Why does it take me so long to read your blog entries?? Poor Krissyface... I actually loved your story about your first grade oops. I mean poops. No, I mean oops.

kay zee said...

We called OOPS POOPS a Greasy turkey

Vickie said...

Great blog... I totally laughed out loud in the middle of work when Im supposed to be, well, working!! Thanks for the distraction!