Monday, November 3, 2008

Halloween candy + ice cream cake + free-flowing merlot = I can't button my pants.

WTF??? I am wearing a pair of pants at work today that were so big on me a year ago I needed a belt with them. A BELT, MOTHERFUCKERS!!!

Now, I sit indian-style at my desk and feel my tummy bulge over the rim of these bad boys that I could barely fucking snap this morning. A tummy, I should mention, that is slowly creeping its way into part of my back. What do you even call that, a back-belly? That shit ain't right.

My friend Kelly came over for Lily's birthday on Saturday and we were comparing our ruined stomachs, hiking up our shirts and grabbing fists full of gut bulge, trying to gross each other out. Only, she has a rock-hard yogabody that she'll bounce back to in a few months, since she had her second baby a mere six months ago. Me, I had one child five years ago. So what, I ask you, is my excuse?

When my marriage came crashing down around me a year and a half ago, I went on an involuntary hunger strike and got all hot and gaunt-looking, so much so that it led my friend Kara to say, "Hey, dispair suits you!" And I actually thought that was such a great compliment, I used it as my Myspace quote. Hey, old habits die hard.

But what's this, god? You've got to be all 'fair and shit'? Now that I'm feeling all happy again, I have to get fat? This hardly seems fair. At least let me button my goddamned pants.

On that note, here are photos of Lily in her pumpkin costume. And yes, she did refuse to wear it trick-or-treating. Instead she donned her crappy piece of shit Cinderella dress and some fairy wings and decided to be a flying princess. She didn't trick-or-treat anyway, she ended up getting upset in the stairwell of Heather's building, and watching tv with her friend Lucas's grandma in their apartment instead. This was very upsetting for me when I went clawing through her candy stash that evening, only to find some skittles (blegh) and a few measly peanut butter cups. Ah, well. I still can't button my pants though, so fuck everyone.


Kirsten said...

LMAO!! Hilarious! I know the who muffin top feeling! It sucks! Now the holidays are coming up and I can't stop eating candy!
Now check out my blog! Do it!

Vodka Mom said...

Have three kids- a total hysterectomy and then call me. we'll talk. or get drunk.

Prunella Jones said...

Damn cute pumpkin!

jeremy said...

she's got your tummy.

Krissyface said...

Kirsten...ok, done...thanks!

Vodka mom, that sounds good. date.

Pru, right? next year she could make a damn hot sumo wrestler.

Jeremy, that wasn't nice. Not at all. Especially this time of the month, dig?

Anonymous said...

How do you sit Indian-style at your desk? Come on, K, your value is not determined by your weight or waist size.

Krissyface said...

Jack, How do I sit indian style at my desk. That's for me to know and for you to find out.
And yes, Jack. Yes, it is. This is America.