An Long-Overdue Letter of Apology to My Sister as a Mother's Day Present
Dearest Baby Sister Lisa,
Well, it's a little late, sis, but I wanted to write you a little note to let you know how super awesome you are.
Also? I really feel I need to make amends for dissing those hideous $5 plastic slip-on shoes I pulled out of your closet and pointed and laughed at for, like, 20 minutes yesterday... I felt especially bad when you explained that "If you spent your days chasing disturbed 14 year olds down the hall who are shrieking, 'Mrs. L. is a pigfaced cunt', you'd need comfortable shoes too!"
You are so right.
I am blanketed in shame.
So, please accept my apologies. I'm sorry for that. And, you know, for all the other shit I did to you when we were kids. Like...
1980: I'm sorry for that time we were in Sears, and I walked past the underwear bin and stuck a big handful of panties inside the hood of your jacket. Then when Mom made you go back to the store and apologize for stealing, I didn't say anything. That was really not so cool. Sorry.
1982: I'm sorry for sneaking into your room when you were at that sleepover party and systematically biting off all the hands and feet of your Barbie Dolls, and giving them "punk" haircuts and "makeup". That wasn't nice. But that babysitter was stupid if she thought I was really allowed to be doing that. I mean, wasn't she supposed to be watching me?
1983-1984 Hey, Lis. I'm sorry for making you always be Jack when we played "Three's Company" with Kelly down the block. It was her idea. Also, I'm sorry for Gilligan. And Gopher. And Bosley. And Toto.
1985: I'm sorry for threatening to kill you if you told mom that you saw me wearing makeup when we were at sleepaway camp. I wouldn't have really killed you. I might've hurt you. But not badly.
Finally, here's the one I'm most sorry for: That time, when you were taking a nap? And I put... something on you? Remember that? Yeah. That was probably the grossest thing I ever did to you. And this is how I know you are the most loyal and wonderful sister of all time, despite all the years of torture you endured as a simple result of your birth order (and my meanness): When I was first dating Shawn, we were all out to dinner or something and the subject of this little incident came up. You kind of hinted at it, and you knew that if you brought it up he would be so disgusted he would probably never speak to me again. You had all the power. But....you didn't say a word. I knew you would carry it to the grave.
Thanks for that. I mean, we ended up breaking up ten years later anyway, but you holding your tongue probably bought me several years of happiness that I might'nt have had otherwise.
Happy Mother's Day. I love you, sister dear. Mwah.