Monday, May 12, 2008

An Long-Overdue Letter of Apology to My Sister as a Mother's Day Present

Dearest Baby Sister Lisa,

Well, it's a little late, sis, but I wanted to write you a little note to let you know how super awesome you are.

Also? I really feel I need to make amends for dissing those hideous $5 plastic slip-on shoes I pulled out of your closet and pointed and laughed at for, like, 20 minutes yesterday... I felt especially bad when you explained that "If you spent your days chasing disturbed 14 year olds down the hall who are shrieking, 'Mrs. L. is a pigfaced cunt', you'd need comfortable shoes too!"

You are so right.

I am blanketed in shame.

So, please accept my apologies. I'm sorry for that. And, you know, for all the other shit I did to you when we were kids.

I'm sorry for that time we were in Sears, and I walked past the underwear bin and stuck a big handful of panties inside the hood of your jacket. Then when Mom made you go back to the store and apologize for stealing, I didn't say anything. That was really not so cool. Sorry.

I'm sorry for sneaking into your room when you were at that sleepover party and systematically biting off all the hands and feet of your Barbie Dolls, and giving them "punk" haircuts and "makeup". That wasn't nice. But that babysitter was stupid if she thought I was really allowed to be doing that. I mean, wasn't she supposed to be watching me?

Hey, Lis. I'm sorry for making you always be Jack when we played "Three's Company" with Kelly down the block. It was her idea. Also, I'm sorry for Gilligan. And Gopher. And Bosley. And Toto.

I'm sorry for threatening to kill you if you told mom that you saw me wearing makeup when we were at sleepaway camp.
I wouldn't have really killed you. I might've hurt you. But not badly.

Finally, here's the one I'm most sorry for:
That time, when you were taking a nap? And I put... something on you? Remember that? Yeah. That was probably the grossest thing I ever did to you. And this is how I know you are the most loyal and wonderful sister of all time, despite all the years of torture you endured as a simple result of your birth order (and my meanness):
When I was first dating Shawn, we were all out to dinner or something and the subject of this little incident came up. You kind of hinted at it, and you knew that if you brought it up he would be so disgusted he would probably never speak to me again.
You had all the power. didn't say a word. I knew you would carry it to the grave.

Thanks for that. I mean, we ended up breaking up ten years later anyway, but you holding your tongue probably bought me several years of happiness that I might'nt have had otherwise.

Happy Mother's Day. I love you, sister dear.

Happy Belated Mother's Day! Mwah!


jeremy said...

did she bless the rains down in africa?

when you made her be toto, that is.

Kimber said...

I am so stinkin curious... what did you put on her that was so bad you can't say it in an apology??

This was a very nice Mothers Day present. As the oldest of 3 I know how hard it can be to swallow your pride and let them win one.

Pronto said...

Comfortable shoes are the answer to all the world's problems.

Just sayin'

Krissyface said...

J...No. She didn't. But also, she was made to be the Tinman in our "Production" of The Wizard of Oz (Cousin Simmy was the director and the Scarecrow). I, of course, was Dorothy. Lisa had to be wrapped in aluminum foil and wear a funnel on her head and I recall her bursting into tears about halfway through the "performance" and refusing to go on another minute. So I think maybe my dad stepped in.

Kimber, I will NEVER tell. But, I will tell you that she called me a little while ago after reading this entry and we had a very good laugh about it. I think that means she forgave me.

Pronto, I agree. Although...well, nevermind.

Chele said...

aww this is so sweet and very very funny. it is hilarious the undies story, you were a mean kid hehehe.

Biting heads of barbies?? whatever made you do that..hehe

Pronto said...

I bet chele would tell us a comfortable shoe story.

Just sayin'

Krissyface said...

Chele, I was a little bitch, truth be told. Kinda makes me glad Lily is an only child.

Pronto, I think you need to lay off the acid before you blog.
Just sayin'. Mwah!

Anonymous said...

Was it poop?

I love making her be the guys and dog. But I love the goofy characters most of all.

Jeremy cracks my shit up, btw.

Pronto said...

Gave up that shit years ago, Krissy.

Wine is my new acid.

Ya think?

Warped Mind of Ron said...

Glad to see that you turned away from the dark path and sought the light... ummm or at least just got a little less evil.

Scooter said...

My sister Elizabeth never really received any sibling terror during her formative years... I was six years older than her, so we basically traveled in different circles.

catscratch diva said...

I guess the meanest thing we ever did to my sister is that we had a "talent show"... we let her win and her prize was canned, frozen alpo, with whipped cream and a cherry.

We told her it was a Rocky Road sundae.

Yah, I got my ass kicked over that one.

Krissyface said...

I will NEVER EVER TELL. But no, it wasn't poop. That leaves only a couple of other bodily fluids...wait, nevermind! I didn't say that...Jeremy? Yeah, he's ok.

Wine is THE new acid. I am so with you, baby.

Yep. I did get a little less evil. I think it's every older sister's birthright however to be judgy and bitchified. Or maybe that's just my own personal birthright.

Yeah, there is such a diff. between a 2 year gap and a 6 year gap. With 2 years you claw each others eyes out, and then turn into bff's at some point in your 20s. It was worth it tho.

That is the funniest thing I've heard in...well, maybe ever. Did she eat it though? I'm dying to know...

Anonymous said...

My sister's barbies all fell in the bataan death march of 86.

Anonymous said...

PS I love green eyes.