Thursday, May 29, 2008

Time for me to fly

Healing is a confusing process. Very, very confusing.

You think you're totally cool, you've got your shit together, then grief sweeps up like a fucked-up magic carpet and takes your feet out from under you. And you land hard on your ass. Hard, my friends. Like crying on the subway hard. Like tears are silently streaming down your face so hot and salty that your oversized sunglasses are fogged up and your nose is flowing down into your mouth. And you are wearing a short-sleeved shirt so you wipe your runny nose on your arm, which is gross and ineffective. And the REO Speedwagon song blasting into your ear canals isn't helping things. No. Not at all.

And you clutch your half-full Starbucks in one hand while you try and hang on to the cold metal pole with the other and look out the window of the subway car so you don't make people feel uncomfortable. But they kind of are anyway, and they just sort of sidestep away from you in case whatever you've got is catching.

It's just sadness, guys. It's not a disease. It's just a little healthy tension release. You're just getting out some toxins. Working through the unexpected heart-thumping bereavement that can only be brought on by the ten-year anniversary of a failed marriage. Weird. Sadness is so strange. Grief is so necessary, though. Tears are my way of cleaning out the cobwebs and making room for other emotions, like hope, happiness, serenity. It's all part of a giant universal process. Ah. I'm so goddamned insightful I just wanna give myself a big fucking hug.

I have to say though, that's one thing I love about New York. My beautiful, humming, busy busy city. You, New York, are the city of narcissists. Only in this wonderful place can you be surrounded by people and still retain total anonymity. Because nobody gives a shit. And today, for that I am grateful.

14 comments:

Warped Mind of Ron said...

{{HUG}}
If I start crying like that I also try to laugh maniacally, it really freaks people out and they get out of my way. The time I make up by not having idiots in my way makes me feel better.

Pronto said...

Awwwwww.

Would a virtual hug help, Kristin?

I think you're gonna be alright girl, after all.... your Starbucks was half-full, not half-empty.

catscratch diva said...

Awwww, baby. Feel better soon.

xoxox

Lizzy said...

Want me to kick Grief's ass for you? Me and Grief are tight and he usually listens to me.

Krissyface said...

Ron, thanks for the hug. I was thinking it might be effective for me to pull my pants down or start singing really loudly just to pack a real punch for my fellow riders. But fuck it.

Pronto, I didn't think of that. It was half-full. That's very telling. Thanks for pointing that out.

Cat, Thanks. I'll be ok.

Lizzie, I think me, you and Grief need to go out for drinks. Then we'll get him good and fucked up and beat the shit out of him. He has it coming.

Sproactually said...

It is amazing how every divorce is different, but yet they are all the same. No one has fight over some little thing and they each yell at one another, throw up their arms and shout "that's it", I'm getting a divorce.

It takes years to get to that point, and at some point someone decides that they can't take it anymore, or will no longer accept someones behaviour. Hardly ever do you sit down over scones and decide together that its not working.

So someone gets hurt... Rejection is hard, what you have known is abruptly changing, its scary, and lonely. Sure, there are friends from time to time. But there are times you wind up alone, and it hurts. A hurt that's deep, personal and lasting. It eases with time, the bickering with each other finally stops, and you start to grow again.

You just have to hunker down, let the grief run it's course, be blue and cry it out. Who gives a rat's ass what anyone else thinks.

It will pass, yes, it hurts, it fucking hurts a great deal, but each time the pain is less. And its something that you alone get to work though. And I promise, it gets better, but it takes time.

Ginormous Boobs said...

I had one of these good cries today!

Jack said...

I, too, want to give you a big fucking hug.

Scooter said...

Kris, I wish you the best, and I can tell you from experience, kids are resilient, and can deal with all kinds of fucked up shit. Lily will be what she is, awesome.

You, you are gonna have to work on it. That being said, you have this shit down tight, It's all a matter of follow-through.

Krissyface said...

I love you guys!
I feel much better today.
Mwah.

Mister Underhill said...

Everybody hurts sometime. Oh damn,t hat's an REM song. Nevermind.

sparsely kate said...

I loved this post! You wrote it so well...I too have my episodes of public crying..just quiet gentle sobbing. Someone could have given you a bloody great hug though - wouldn't have killed them.

Krissyface said...

Kate,
I appreciate that.
I had a friend show up at my house a little after I got off the subway ... it was an unexpected visit and she just took me in a great big bear hug for as long as I wanted. It was awesome. There is nothing like a good girlfriend.
(Well, except a good boyfriend...HAR!)

Big Momma Pimpalishisness said...

oh I'm sorry... I probably would have gone up and hugged you on the subway though even if I didn't know you. I'm glad I have a car because I do a lot of my crying while traveling and the privacy of a car is much better than the subway. Although i have been known to burst out in tears in the supermarket.