Thursday, August 21, 2008

You don't deserve nothin'

Well Well Well. Hello there.
Here I am, blogging from the outer banks of North Carolina, where I am currently plopped down in a beach house with my whole entire extended family. And lots and lots of liquor.

Tonight we managed to pull off a huge family photo on the beach, and logistics be damned, each of us actually got a white tee-shirt on, combed our hair, wrangled our children, and showed up to pose in the tall grasses of the eroding sand dunes before a wild pink sunset over the ocean. It was pretty damned impressive.

I do have a pretty awesome family. We all have different lifestyles and interests but I look forward to meeting up every year with my cousins and their spouses and spending a week cooking, chilling out on the deck in front of the ocean, and laughing hysterically at the things we used to all do to each other when we were kids.

I was reminded of how much I lucked out in the family department yesterday, when camped out next to us was the most freakishly backwoods family I have ever encountered. Did you ever see "The Hills Have Eyes"?

There were what appeared to be three grown sisters, with their assorted booger-smeared children in tow, and an immensely obese grandmaw in a very teeny strapless bikini, who sported several giant tattoos and sucked nonstop on Marlboro Reds.

Our favorite of the three sisters, who we decided was named Cheyenne, was quite pregnant (I'd guess six months, given the way her belly jutted out of her Casper-white, malnourished frame) and chainsmoked like she was going to the chair. She had something tattooed in Arabic on her back, and we, bitchy Northeast elitist snots, were all taking turns guessing what the tattoo might mean. My cousin Brenna thought it probably meant, "Die Towelheads, Die...USA Rules!"
My guess was, "Army MILF". Or maybe something simpler, like, "Hottie". Why go to the trouble of putting it in Arabic though?

In any event, they were really interesting to watch. And to make us feel superior.
The mothers barked incessantly at the kids to "Get off the gahddamned blanket!" and "get out of my face!", in between feeding them Mr. Pibb and bags of microwave popcorn. One of the mom's, after being asked for something probably totally ridiculous by one of the kids, like, say, a shovel to dig in the sand, took her Virginia Slim out of her mouth to yell in his face, "You don't deserve nothin'!"

It was awesome.

Especially when the worst thing we've had to contend with is Lily and my nephew splashing each other too hard in the pool or fighting over who can use the blue crayon first. Big fucking whoop.

Yeah, I'm pretty gahdamned lucky.

14 comments:

jeremy said...

how the hell did she manage to microwave popcorn on the beach?

Warped Mind of Ron said...

I really think we should require a license to breed.

Krissyface said...

J-it was microwaved before she came to the beach. But my thought was, solar popped?

Ron, I agree. I know it goes against my hippie freewheelin' sensibilities. But. Boy, do I.

Scooter said...

Well, that's going to haunt my dreams.

Sproactually said...

The city girl has seen some rednecks.

It's not polite to stare and point, they could be armed, or at the least chewing snuf.

And Mr. Pibb tastes just like Dr. Pepper, and Krystal's are just like White Castle.

But a hot Krispy Kream is like no other donut. So get em hot.

Prunella Jones said...

That story reminds me of the time I took my grandma to the clinic to get her tattoos removed. Boy did we ever see some white trash, I'll tell yew what....

Jack said...

Verbal abusers give white trash people a bad reputation. What's your beef with Pibb n' popcorn, though?

Mister Underhill said...

Maybe it was 'durka durka'. Actually, I hate the military AND I hate the mysoginistic muslim backwards middle east dwellers, so I guess the war is a win win situation for me, aside from all the money being wasted on it.

Effortlessly Average said...

And just think: those people are a part of picking our elected representatives. Democracy at work, right there.

The Arabic probably reads: "Larry the Cable Guy slept here."

catscratch said...

Ahhhhh, yes. The redneck family. I encounter multiple redneck families when I take outings to the Great Smoky Mountains with my well-behaved daughter.

Damn chain smokin litterbugs, leaving ciggarette butts and shitty diapers all over the place.

catscratch said...

PS. I agree with Ron's statement too. Nothing could be more true.

The Third String said...

I second that. Each kid requires a new application.

I was an el ed major and we used to have a sign in the childhood development lab that said, "It takes four years to become a teacher, it only takes fifteen minutes to become a parent."

Big Momma Pimpalishisness said...

when I see people like that I always want to take their kids and run. They probably wouldn't even care anyways.

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