When Lily was about 18 months old, we let her start watching TV. At the time we had thousands of terrible channels, but we only let her watch two. PBS and Noggin. So, I really only watched two. PBS and Noggin. For months and months and months.
When you are a sleepy new mother and your babydaddy travels all the time and the only exposure you have to televised entertainment is kids' shows, your mind begins to fucking turn on you.
I started developing inappropriate crushes on the stars of children's TV shows.
Well, you've got to pass the time somehow.
I first became aware of my lustful feelings toward Luis during an episode of Sesame Street where he played the guitar and crooned to a furry monster in Spanish. Ooooh. He was so caliente. He has this whole well-aged Latin Lover thing happening. Plus, he's been on the show for like 30 years. Which makes him, like, my dad's age. Wait. Um...
It took me a little time to reconcile my feelings for Harry from Cyberchase. First, he can't be more than 25. Plus, he's not even hot. But after some thought, I totally know what this is all about. The Buddy Holly glasses, the nerdwear thrift store shirts, the exceptional math skills. He reminded me of someone I used to be married to. Many, many moons ago.
Dan Zanes. He's such a Brooklyn Hipster. It's the hair. I'm telling you. I don't know what product he uses, but he looks fucking cool.
OK. I know this is really inappropriate and wrong. But I think the nastiest crush of all was one I had on Steve from Blues Clues. I know. It's dirty and disgusting. But I found myself dreaming about him. Having these fantasies of taking him on a picnic and smearing ripe strawberries on his lips and getting him drunk on boxed wine before tearing off his green and white striped polo shirt. I felt filthy going, "Hey, Lil...look! Blues Clues is on!" She'd be all, "Whatever, I'm playing", and I'd be like, "No, come on!"--me, trying to make my kid watch tv--and then I'd find myself watching all alone. And likin' it.
Look. This is Steve now. He's actually kind of cute. See? I'm not crazy. Well, ok, yes, I am. I know I am.
Lucky for me, I'm so busy now with my swingin' social life, I don't even miss the cable anymore.
But sometimes I really get a hankerin' for it. So the other night Shawn was over and he was like, "Why don't you just get cable?" so I asked him to call Time Warner and see how much more a month it would be to have some good channels.
And he did. And I still can't afford it. Fuck.
So, I'm sorry, Steve. We'll have to wait just a little longer. Soon, baby. Soon.
15 comments:
Don't you be trying to steal Steve from me, woman. He was mine first.
http://cltalks.blogspot.com/2004/11/blue-skidoo-we-can-too.html
Ok, that link was apparently too long? How can I do that...
Oh hell, just go to Nov 7, 2004 on my blog. You'll see it.
Been cable free since 2003..
Oh Shit!
No fucking way, CL!!!
You bring the bed, the condom and the handcuffs, I'll bring the strawberries and the boxed wine, and we'll shaaaaare him.
Hee hee hee.
Steve, I've been cable free for a couple years now, and I'm starting to feel like I'm chained inside a well. I think I need a change.
I've seen a few of those Blue's Clues videos and I agree with you about Steve. He is cute! If I got him in that thinking chair we'd do more than think, heh heh.
Pru,
I don't know what it is about him that brings out the dirty Mrs. Robinson in me. Wrong. Very, very wrong. But oh, so right.
I have absolutely no idea as to how I can contribute to this post...
Uh... I have a crush on Carmen Harlan from Channel Four. She does the late-night news. That's right... late night...
http://www.clickondetroit.com/newsteam/269958/detail.html
Dan is cool for having been in the Del Fuegos. And I have a friend who has an enormous gay crush on Steve. He may or may not have said something about licking his strips off.
Scoot, Carmen is a cutie. You dirty boy.
Jack, I was never much of a Del Fuegos fan but you've got to give the guy props for still making pretty cool music even though he is playing to the preschool set now. He could've just hung up his guitar and his Aqua Net and called it a day.
...Lick off his stripes? Wow. Um...
This is so funny to me; I loved your post!
When I was 17 I was a Nanny for two little toddlers in a hotel...and we watched Sesame Street in the mornings every day. I had a crush on Luis too and dreamed about meeting a man like that someday (never have)
I'd forgotten all about that! thanks :)
Steve? Come'on.
I almost had a thing for ya (honest = i lust after your mind), until you came up with Steve....
Sigh...
Inn't he just abit-tad ... off ????
Just sighing....
Pronto,
You ALMOST had a thing for me?
Liar, liar, pants on fire.
I've been known to get excited watching Laurie Berkner and her guitar strumming rack of power. I also like the ladies on discovery kid's show hi-5. mmmm them's some good child entertainers. also Thanks for the linkage.
BTW my best buddy lives in assstoria I've walked out into the bright early morning sunshine many times after an after hours booze and pool fest at the Irish Rover. I also dig the bohemian beer garden there. My buddy owns the bar dominies hoek in Long island city if you haven't been, check it out.
I used to watch Bob the Builder so much that I would have to "adult" it up a little. We'd be sitting there and I'd be like "See that? Bob is totally hitting on Wendy! Oh he loves her! Oh they are soooooo going to get together."
My 3 year old son would just pat me on the head and say "Ok mommy, ok. Shhhhh."
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