Thursday, September 18, 2008

Little Horrible

I don't know what I did to get on Jesus's shit list, but that vindictive bastard is out to get me lately.

I didn't blog much this week because I was afraid that if I sat down to type, I'd only be able to vomit forth a rancorous froth of bitterness and hatred, and nobody wants to bother reading that.

But hey, I missed you guys, so fuck it.

Goddamn, though. My weekdays have been passing by in a mindfucking blur, making me feel like an arthritic gerbil on a wheel whose been given an excess of caffeine and several hits of bad acid.

Mornings are especially shiteous. I think I would prefer some old school torture, served up prison-camp style – say, bamboo shoots under the nails, or perhaps a searing hot enema – to what I had to endure this morning.

My day started at 5 am. That's right, fuckers, 5 in the frigging morning.
I was pummelled awake by two freezing feet in my stomach. These horrid little appendages were attached to the miniature czar of my home environment, whose demands for orange juice and magic markers before the sun is even up makes me realize why all my pubic hair is turning gray. (Two words, darlings: Brazillian Wax.)

Of course, some mornings go better than others. Lily is, generally, a great kid with an even temperament. Often she will get herself dressed, eat some breakfast without complaint, even brush her teeth with only a little help from me.

But. Today, that was so not the case.

This morning my little dust bunny opted for a white-hot scream-athon while alternately laying on the bed like a broken marionette, and writhing on the floor like an epileptic. All the while Mommy ran about like a freaked-out, headless chicken, fetching two sets of clothing and smearing lipstick across my face and trying in vain to choke some coffee down my dang throat.

You have no idea how much ass it can truly suck to be me sometimes.
But, well, I just told you, so now you do. And I kind of feel better. Thanks!

It's times like these, though, that we really must stop and remember that some people have real problems.

I could be riding out the aftermath of Hurricane Ike in a church with a lion. My home could be leveled. I could have lost a ton of invested (ha ha!) money in the collapsing world economy. I could be Sarah Palin's retarded baby. It could be worse. It always could be worse.

Here's a joke:

Why did the cop smell?

Because he was on duty.



Anonymous said...

Holy crap, whatta meltdown!
And, through it all, you make up a great word like "shiteous;" that's awesome.
Hang in there, and I hope there's a calm patch soon.

catscratch said...

Yes, it could always be worse.

I'm going 1083 miles an hour nowdays. In case you're wondering thats so fast that I don't have time to fart and smell it.

Pronto said...

hmmmmmmm coffee.

i'm surprised that didn't make all those little problems heaped into mountains shrink to pimple-size.

Just sayin'

jeremy said...

i've found that, no matter how bad life gets, drinking will always make things better.

Mr. Poopie said...

I found a gray hair in my nose yesterday . . . I'm still in mourning.

Scooter said...

I suppose this is a bad time to mention that New York City is in a hurricane zone.

Sproactually said...

I just checked the post, no breaking news in Queens in the crime beat.

Krissyface said...

Jack, I wish I could take credit for 'shiteous', but it's perez hilton's.

Cat, that's fast. Real fast.

Pronto, the coffee did help.

Jeremy, yes, but then I'd be hungover at 5 am. And that, my friend, doesn't remedy a thing.

Poop, ew. I guess you can't really wax nose hairs.

Scoot, I knew that, but thanks for the friendly reminder. Also, we're on a fault line. Awesome!

Steve, Thanks for the update.

Anonymous said...


I can't get the visual of your pubic hair turning grey out of my head. I didn't even know that happened. At least now you can hold it over the head of your little czar.

Kelly said...

I had a really shitty day on Monday! The worst part of the day was when Ronan, Kiera and I almost got hit by a huge truck. The rest of the day there was lots of screaming and crying - both kids at once sometimes. I actually cried twice. Then I had to remind myself that at least we don't have to go to a garbage dump everyday to "make a living" like many people do in many third world countries. That usually puts things in perspective for me.

Krissyface said...

Mr. Fucktard, I aim to please. Happy weekend!! Gray pubes!!!

Kell, girl, I feel you. soooo feel you. It's all worth it though, right???



Mrs. Redpants said...

Sooo adult child of an alcoholic. Can't feel sorry for yourself, because you don't deserve to. Fuck it! Feel sorry for yourself. That is a shitty morning. Be bitter, but when the good stuff happens, give it a blowjob and make it last a long time! (Meaning, celebrate the good stuff in life.)

MsPuddin said...

yes ive decided it is definitely something in the water, because everyone is feeling shiteous lately.

kay zee said...

I made up a joke last week. only my bf thinks it's clever:

"What did the easy-going pigeon say when another stepped on his toe?"

"It's coo."