Thursday, December 4, 2008

Freedom's just another word for nothin' left to lose

OMG, I just came into work this morning and was greeted by the coolest thing: an email from the CEO of my company!!!

I know, ME! Getting an e-mail from the CEO!!! So cool!!!

The message outlines the "Accelerated implementation of our strategic plan" for 2009.

First, it's super cool that the CEO would think to include me on the distribution list of this very important, a lowly contractor, a spec, really, swimming under the radar in the tiny creative department of my buttoned-down corporation. I am so psyched to be receiving this 'top secret inside information' about the company's 'strategic plan'. I mean, you know you've really arrived when you start receiving The Corporate Spam.

And, well, since I have a teeny girl brain and I don't speak CEO, I had to have a co-worker come over to my cubicle and translate the exciting news about 2009 for me.

Okay, lessee....Lemme break it down for you:

1. Strategic Plan = Laying off 5300 employees! Wow! That is some real creative thinking. Lighten the load, make the company stronger!!! I feel ya!

2. Accelerated = We were gonna wait til some time next year to do this, but, aw fuck, let's just do it now. This way you can get some 'extra holiday bonding time' with your families, and run back to the mall to return all those Christmas gifts you bought that you won't be able to pay off when the Visa bill comes next month. Your kids don't NEED all that crap, anyway. Also, you'll probably need the extra time to put your house on the market and call your parents to see if you can move back in with them for a while. Cool? Cool. You know, it's all about people in this business.

Looks like perhaps I picked a good time to be a freelancer. Unnattached, flowing in the wind...and available to help my friends pack up their personal belongings in boxes and cart them out to their cars.



The Third String said...

Well that sort of leaves you and me fucked I imagine. We'll see, my dear.

ty bluesmith said...

i also freelance. i think it's the shit. for example, por ejemplo, i'm sitting here in pj pants working on a brochure. suh-weet.

but i came from lower mgt. in that calm/caring corporate world.

and dude, like i totally don't miss it.

The Third String said...

Good for you Ty.

I did the NYC lower mgt thing for a year or two. Job description: Take care of a bunch of boring administrative crap and then when your lame boss fucks up, take the blame so he looks good.

Scooter said...

People losing jobs around you, and your own financial future is uncertain? What is this, Kris, Michigan?

Oh, and why does the rest of the country hate people from Michigan, any way? 34 billion dollars. That might not even be completely accessed. That is all that is needed to keep an entire state from becoming a ghost town.

New York's financial district got 700 billion dollars, with the expectation that most of the assets bought would never be profitable.

Forgive me if I am just a bit unsympathetic.

Warped Mind of Ron said...

It's truly the suck to lay people off just before Christmas. I think it's illegal in some State's or at least sould be.

Krissyface said...

Third, turn that frown upside-down, fucker! We're all in this together, to quite High School Musical, my new favorite movie.

Ty, I feel you. Your a designer too? We should talk. I could use some brush ups since it's been a while since I did the work from the pj's thing. I do so long for it...

Um, Scoot, NY's financial district got a boost because that's where so much of the country's money is made. I agree that Michigan gets regularly fucked in the ass, and it doesn't look like things are gonna get any better if the auto industry doesn't get bailed out, but that, my friend, is out of my hands. Talk to President Obama.

Ron, I don't think it's illegal anywhere. That's Grinchery for sure.

Anonymous said...

Sorry, K. I hope you take a lot of comfort from all that penis today.
(you're SO horny)

Memphis Steve said...

Oh, that is so not good. Stress all around, girl. I feel ya. Or rather, I would if I could reach you.

Sproactually said...

It was on times web site early this morning... I thought about you when I read it.

Kimber said...

Oy - good luck. I would guess that a good 1/2 of my friends have been laid off within the last 2 years. This economy is a shame. I hope you don't get hit too hard!

Krissyface said...

Thanks for the good wishes, guys.

I'm a survivor, I ain't gon' give up...

And yes, Jack, I am super horny.

xl said...

One time I was working as a temp. Our shift could not attend the company Christmas party, so the company gave coupons for a frozen turkey. Except for the temps. Fuckers.

Ah, life in corporate America.

Pronto said...

must've missed something,

where did all this horniness come from?

just askin'

Krissyface said...

XL, that sounds achingly familiar.
My company has a rule for temps...if you work more than 10 months, you have to take a month off. That's so you can't turn around and claim entitlement to benefits or retirement or anything ludacris like that. So, I was getting close to my 10 month mark and asked, hey, do I have to worry about finding another job for a month? And they said, no, you're fine. Then, a week later, they called me and told me to take a month off.

Temps get treated worse than dog excrement under your shoe. All the 'freedome and fluidity' of freelancing comes with a price.

Pronto, where does anyone's horniness come from???

nitewalk6 said...

While there never is a GOOD time for layoffs they do always seem to coincide with the holidays... year end cost cutting and all the bullshit. These multi-millionaire CEO's know damned well in July what they will need to do to not have the shareholders come after their nuts come January. They let some little people go in December just so it looks like they are being pro-active and saving the corp a few bucks. FUCKERS.
I'm in the city considered the 'second' financial center and these "poor" banking bastards with their million dollar buyouts cry like babies because the bank is failing but it can't be THEIR fault. They walk away from the problems with millions in severence and then the government has to step in to keep the bank afloat and protect MY money.
At least the head fuck up at Ford offered to reduce his salary to $1.00 (won't hurt him a bit because he'll make it up in stock options given to him at .05 on the dollar).
What can we as the little people do?? Not a fucking thing.

ty bluesmith said...

i'm not a designer i'm a writer:)

Prunella Jones said...

Laying people off just before Xmas when the CEO is still raking in millions should be illegal in my book. I'd also like to outlaw all companies who move jobs out of the country in order to pay workers slave wages. I'm so disgusted with big business. Seriously, off with their fucking heads!