Monday, December 8, 2008

Signs, signs, everywhere signs

With the close of another year, I find myself reflective.

Sigh.

As Lily gets another year older, I think back on all the things I didn't know about when she was a baby. Goddamn, I was an ignoramus. I realize that if I ever had another child, I'd be certain to pay closer attention to certain signs.

God, I wish I'd known about the signs when Lily was a baby. Things would have been SO much easier.

Alas. In spite of my own bumbling ineptitude, I have managed to keep my daughter alive for the last 5 or so years. And because I am a caring nurterer, I want to pass on some of the things I've learned. You know, in the interest of helping you all out with your own families.

For instance:


It's really important, when taking your baby out to see the friendly neighborhood garbage truck pick up its daily load in the morning, to remember not to stand directly under the dumpster. That shit is way heavy. You never know, you know?


Don't run over your baby with a tractor.


Plastic bags, though really sweet-looking adornments, do not really make good hats.


Oversized buckets filled with unidentifiable substances (such as, say, pickle brine, cleaning solution, vodka, lye) should be kept on high shelves so that baby cannot fall into them (and you KNOW those babies are curious!)


And finally, I think just as a general rule, keep this one in mind:



Watch out for those goddamned little buggers, man. They will fuck your shit up. They will take away your ability to ever have a good nights sleep for the rest of your life, because in the beginning, they want to freaking breastfeed all the time. Then, they keep you awake at night because all you do is worry about them. These are the things nobody tells you. Watch out. Also, they will rob you blind. Keep your wits about you. Just a friendly warning.

Here's to a FINE '09!!!

13 comments:

The Third String said...

And somewhere at the end of all the worrying and pain comes a love that must be experienced to be understood. 'Nuff said.

Scooter said...

Actually, that worrying and pain is integral to that love ever being experienced...

jeremy said...

mmm, pickle brine...

catscratch said...

Holy shit. That means I have been a successful mother!

My kids are 17 and 23 and not once did they suffocate or get hit by the garbage truck!

I only locked the youngest one in the car once when it was running and had to wait for the cops to break into my car.....

Warped Mind of Ron said...

Congrats on successful mothering. Oh and to be honest guys never really grow out of the urge to breastfeed, just not with our mothers :)

nitewalk6 said...

Congrats on making it through '08 (so far). Don't think for a minute that child rearing gets easier as they age. Wait til she starts growing boobies of her own. You're going to be a kick ass Mother when she becomes a teen.

ty bluesmith said...

"they will fuck your shit up."

heard that times four.

Kimber said...

Good job mom. I'm doin' my best to keep mine alive, but at 19 months she has taken up spinning until she falls down. If she doesn't kill herself falling on something sharp I fear she will seek out the dizzy buzz when she's 12 with drugs! Maybe I should spin her 'till she vomits now so she'll never want to be dizzy again. It's hard being a mom!

Krissyface said...

String and Scoot, yeah. You're totally right. I can still crack wise though. It's my right as a mother.

J, I have a tub of it up on a shelf if you want...

Cat, My mom totally did that in the 70s to me. Of course then I probably wasn't strapped into a car seat (there probably werent even car seats), so I could've most likely gotten myself out, but...


Ron, yes, I noticed that.

Nitewalk, Boobies. I will not allow it. She will always be my little girl.

Ty, You've got 4 kids??? That definitely fucks your shit up.

Kim, I worry about the thrill-seeking too. Lily does the spinning and jumping off stuff and I swear she'd ride roller coasters with me if her height'd permit it...crap, we are so in for it.

Pronto said...

You keep your oversized buckets of vodka on the top shelf? I keep mine under the sink.....

And, ditto to what Ron said...

Memphis Steve said...

Sounds to me like you've mastered this whole 'mom' thing pretty well. I don't see how anyone could have any complaints.

All those years I spent studying art and you'd think I could get just one good job as a warning sign artist, but NOOOOO.

Jack said...

Cop out.

::::wifemothermaniac:::: said...

One other very important lesson, is to not pop the cork into your kid's face! Big no no