Signs, signs, everywhere signs

With the close of another year, I find myself reflective.

Sigh.

As Lily gets another year older, I think back on all the things I didn't know about when she was a baby. Goddamn, I was an ignoramus. I realize that if I ever had another child, I'd be certain to pay closer attention to certain signs.

God, I wish I'd known about the signs when Lily was a baby. Things would have been SO much easier.

Alas. In spite of my own bumbling ineptitude, I have managed to keep my daughter alive for the last 5 or so years. And because I am a caring nurterer, I want to pass on some of the things I've learned. You know, in the interest of helping you all out with your own families.

For instance:


It's really important, when taking your baby out to see the friendly neighborhood garbage truck pick up its daily load in the morning, to remember not to stand directly under the dumpster. That shit is way heavy. You never know, you know?


Don't run over your baby with a tractor.


Plastic bags, though really sweet-looking adornments, do not really make good hats.


Oversized buckets filled with unidentifiable substances (such as, say, pickle brine, cleaning solution, vodka, lye) should be kept on high shelves so that baby cannot fall into them (and you KNOW those babies are curious!)


And finally, I think just as a general rule, keep this one in mind:



Watch out for those goddamned little buggers, man. They will fuck your shit up. They will take away your ability to ever have a good nights sleep for the rest of your life, because in the beginning, they want to freaking breastfeed all the time. Then, they keep you awake at night because all you do is worry about them. These are the things nobody tells you. Watch out. Also, they will rob you blind. Keep your wits about you. Just a friendly warning.

Here's to a FINE '09!!!