Monday, March 3, 2008

I need to watch my back more carefully, because maybe the Hells Angels are Coming



Oh, I'm feeling unsettled, my friends. Unsettled indeed.

I picked up the Metro on my way to the train this morning, and I saw this article about how in the 60s the Hells Angels used to do security for all the Rolling Stones shows, but one of them got killed accidentally at a concert when everyone stormed the stage trying to get a piece of Mick's skinny little ass, and the Angels decided to retaliate big time. So in 1969, lil Mick narrowly escaped meeting a grisly death at the hands of these rabid road warriors, when their plot was foiled (by Keith Richards?)... Me oh my.



Well, this new and astounding piece of news made me start to think, you know, anyone can put a hit out on anyone else at any given time. I don't know why this never occurred to me before! I mean, given the sanguinary trail of mutilated hearts I've left littering the sidewalks of New York in my (relatively short, but passion-filled) lifetime, it's hard to imagine how I've thus far avoided meeting a terrible death, exacted by one of my avenging exes. I do believe that my recompense is nigh.

I can think of at least ten men off the top of my head who are probably plotting my demise right now as I write this. And there are probably 25 more whose names I can't even remember. And it sends a chill down my spine.

So, I've made a decision.

I'm going to get myself a bodyguard.



I can't afford a big frightful paparazzi-puncher like Britney has, but I think it's high time I find myself someone who can keep an eye out for me, ya know? I need someone whose sole purpose in life is to dedicate himself to watching my ass.

Now, where on earth will I find such a man?

15 comments:

jeremy said...

"relatively short" compared to...?

Shambhu said...

Gator Redcloud. He was the leader of the Kansas City Chapter of the Hells Angels when I was there. He approached me, and told me he'd offer to help me fix my bike, but he didn't know anything about Jap bikes, as I was working on mine. Then he offered to help me lift it into the dumpster. "People just want to be people." He said as he showed me his chest riddled with large scars from multiple gunshots. "When people won't let people be people, that's where the Hell's Angels come in." Then he took out his glass eye, which he promptly dropped into a puddle of oil under my bike.

Shambhu said...

Mick looks a bit like Britney Spears in that photo, doesn't he?

Anonymous said...

I'm not sure Altamont went down exactly the way you describe it, but I'll leave that for another time. I just wanted to tell the story of when I was working at this pizza place in the east village, and one night these two guys came by pretty late at night and asked us where they could get some coke. The pizza guy told them, very convincingly, that their best bet was over on 3rd street between 1st and 2nd at the Hell's Angels building. He said it was totally cool, just knock on the door and tell them what you need and they'll hook you up. The only thing is sometimes they're asleep this late so if there's no answer right away, just be sure to knock really loud or yell up to one of the windows to wake them up.
They thanked him profusely and headed out into the night.
I never saw them again.

Chele said...

Trick is to make good with hells angels, thats what i did accidentally (scared is more like it)
I was at this festival watching audioslave preform, next to me stands a gang of hells angels men(they like audioslave??)
I was trying to light my cigarette but didnt have a ligther when suddenlly one of the dudes offers me a light, i give him some cigarettes in return. The gang looked after me the whole show making sure no one pushed me over and asked me if i wanted anyone beat up...
it was strange, but comforting

Krissyface said...

Jeremy,
'relatively short' compared to the size of your...heart.

Shambhu,
Wow, that's quite a story! Yeah, he does look a little like Brit Brit.

Anonymous,
I should have known better than to talk about rock n roll history with you and your red pants reading. Well, I sure hope those two assholes got their coke. My guess is they got a whole lot more.

Chele,
I totally get the whole wanting the bad boys to have your back kind of thing. In college, there was a bouncer in my favorite bar who went nuts on someone and bit off his ear. He always got me in free though. And every time there was a fight, you know he was throwing my ass behind the bar to protect me. It pays to get in good with tough guys sometimes.

CatScratch Diva said...

Just because you don't getcha a big scary & hairy brother to keep tabs on ya, doesn't mean you can't find an asskicker in a smaller package.

Mister Underhill said...

Wow, that guy is fat. Why would someone hire grimace as a bodyguard. Fortunately I know jiujitsu. As a backup plan if that doesn't work out, they can always break open one of the clone containers in my attic.

Krissyface said...

Actually looking at it now I think that Mick kind of looks like the head that's in the jar in "Silence of the Lambs", you know that Hester Moffatt lady's head that Hannibal Lechter had in the storage space?

Honk if you are a total nerd for obscure, useless movie trivia! Honk, honk!

Scooter said...

I am six feet two inches and 165 pounds.

I also believe in listening to people.

I would be an awful bodyguard.

Mister Underhill said...

ASlso, I can't believe I passed up the oppurtunity to comment on being dedicated to watching your ass.

Also also, Mick Jagger made my pance tingle in the pic until I realized it was a he not a she. Ew. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Prunella Jones said...

Mister Underhill will be happy to be your bodyguard. Of course, it might be creepy having him watch you all the time. He's got crazy eyes!

Mighty Dyckerson said...

I've got one "eye" that can watch your ass for you. Careful though - it may spit at you...

Pronto said...

Yeah, okay, I'll volunteer to watch your ass too......

but only cause everyone else is..........

Mr. Poopie said...

Nah, you don't need a bodyguard, just get a taser. Not only can it take down an elephant, but people make really funny faces as they fall to the ground flailing about and foaming at the mouth. priceless!