Saturday, March 29, 2008

Goodnight, Cockroach Bitch, Goodnight FOREVER!


There is nothing in the world that skeeves me out more than cockroaches. They are even more disgusting to me than the giant sewer rats that skulk along the subway tracks in Manhattan at night. Cockroaches are nature's way of saying, "Fuck you, humans!"

Ugh. I hate them, with their little brown bodies covered in paper-thin veiny armor, their tiny swishing antennae, the way they skitter across the kitchen floor on those skinny little legs when they think I'm not looking. Dicks.

Generally, I'm not a fan of killing anything. I'm the girl who boos at the company when they go to kill a spider in my house, and insist that they usher it into a paper cup and then out an open window so that it can have another chance at life. I cry when a plant doesn't make it. I'm very anti-glue trap.

But cockroaches? Those little fuckers deserve to die.

I shouldn't even have them. My apartment is clean (well, relatively). But my next door neighbor is the most disgusting man on earth, with an apartment overflowing with takeout containers, dirty dishes and newspapers dating back to the Nixon administration. I'm totally fucked. They crawl out his front door and into mine. And they settle down behind my microwave and inside my coffee maker (yech!!!), and eat eachother's heads and procreate.

But I've outsmarted them this time. No cockroach can escape the lure of whatever delicious poison lies in wait inside the little black Combat traps I've stashed all over my kitchen. (This poison, incidentally, smells like hot dogs. I'm not sure why but it does). Extra strength. Double package. He he he. Let the bloodbath begin!


Chele said...

I think I am the only person who is fascinated by cockroaches. I dont like having them in my room but they dont scare me. I think it is fascinating how they can outlive radiation, mutate more if squashed and carrying eggs, grow new bodyparts if head or body is severed, if you put it in the freezer it will still live when you defrost it.
Man I am a geek who watches way to much national geographic channel

Ginormous Boobs said...

Thank god I haven't had to see a cockroach in a long while. We also had filthy neighbors and thanks to them, I didn't cook in my place for a year.

Krissyface said...

Chele, hearing you describe cockroaches in such lovingly and fascinating detail almost makes me feel...wait a second, SMACK!!! Sorry, just had to smash a cockroach. Wait, what was I saying?

It will live after you defrost it???

Ginormous, I'm jealous. I grew up in suburbia, see, and I know gypsy moth caterpillars and termites. But these little brown horrors just give me the creeps. It's one of the downsides of city life. Thank goodness there aren't many.

jeremy said...

could be worse; you could be infested with midgets.

their heads are way too big to fit into the little black poison boxes, and once they lay their eggs in your upholstery you'll never get rid of 'em.

Scooter said...

Sadly, they are called the German cockroach because German immigrants during the great immigrations of last century brought them to this country in their luggage... and on their person.

Ew. Dude, I'm telling you... call me a fascist Jew hater, goose step in front of me... I can take it.

Remind me of the ongoing infestation that my people inflicted upon this continent... now THAT hurts.

Chele said...

Yes, if you were to freeze a cockroach for months it would come back to life when you defrost it.
Scientists should study them more...

Krissyface said...

Jeremy, you're so right. And cockroaches eat far less than midgets, so I guess I should count my lucky stars for that...

Scoot, it's not your fault. But just so you know, I blame you for all this.

Chele, I think you're right. Anything that will outlive me in a nuclear holocaust deserves to be studied further. Blechhhh

Pronto said...

At this post, I was somehow compelled to consult with my good friend google.

The 'funnest' way to get rid of those nasty cockroaches, in my opinion:

A bowl of cheap wine placed under the sink will kill roaches; they drink, fall in and die

dad said...

Strangely, my early life in an Astoria apt not far from yours brings back memories of being fascinated lby the little bastards running up the wall at bkfst. My poor mom would get so upset that she woould cry and then clean again and again with an incredible energy. I guess that was the beginning of my clean gene, too.
By the way, don't swat them. You must smash the shit out of them and hear their wails and screams to be rid of them!