Welcome to New York. I certainly hope you brought your closed-toed shoes
An Open Letter to the Homeless Person Who Peed on The Subway Platform at 34th Street in the Middle of Rush Hour Tonight:
My name is Kristin, and I just had to drop you a line. I hope you don't mind me addressing you as just 'homeless person', instead of 'homeless man/woman', because the truth is, I'm still not so sure what the heck your sex was!! And usually I am pretty good with that stuff!!!
Wow, might I just say, what a stealthy motherfucker you are!! I mean, BOY. My brain is still kind of burning from the eye-raping image of you stripping off your many layers of clothing (I mean, what's up with that? It's not that cold) and dropping trou (well, sort of) in the middle of the subway platform and just letting go of your obviously very pressing need to urinate! What I found so amazing was that you looked so much like a woman, yet you didn't squat to pee, you just unzipped your zipper and the urine stream just sort of poured forth. How the heck do you do that? Unless you were actually a guy (and in which case, you have a very small penis, I'm afraid. I'm sure you're really embarrassed about it, so I won't harp on it).
I was especially impressed with your total lack of self-consciousness with regard to the hundreds of New Yorkers scurrying home all around you. I mean, this is coming from a woman who still has to run the water when she pees in a public toilet, so alls I can say is, WOW! How do you manage it? Perhaps we can discuss. I really hope so.
Well, anyways, I'd better go. Hopefully we can talk more tomorrow. Same time, about 6:15, 34th Street Herald Square Station, W train, right? Cool. I'll make sure I have my closed-toed hooker boots on again. You know, just to be safe!!!