Thursday, April 3, 2008

Welcome to New York. I certainly hope you brought your closed-toed shoes




An Open Letter to the Homeless Person Who Peed on The Subway Platform at 34th Street in the Middle of Rush Hour Tonight:

Hi!

My name is Kristin, and I just had to drop you a line. I hope you don't mind me addressing you as just 'homeless person', instead of 'homeless man/woman', because the truth is, I'm still not so sure what the heck your sex was!! And usually I am pretty good with that stuff!!!

Wow, might I just say, what a stealthy motherfucker you are!! I mean, BOY. My brain is still kind of burning from the eye-raping image of you stripping off your many layers of clothing (I mean, what's up with that? It's not that cold) and dropping trou (well, sort of) in the middle of the subway platform and just letting go of your obviously very pressing need to urinate! What I found so amazing was that you looked so much like a woman, yet you didn't squat to pee, you just unzipped your zipper and the urine stream just sort of poured forth. How the heck do you do that? Unless you were actually a guy (and in which case, you have a very small penis, I'm afraid. I'm sure you're really embarrassed about it, so I won't harp on it).

I was especially impressed with your total lack of self-consciousness with regard to the hundreds of New Yorkers scurrying home all around you. I mean, this is coming from a woman who still has to run the water when she pees in a public toilet, so alls I can say is, WOW! How do you manage it? Perhaps we can discuss. I really hope so.

Well, anyways, I'd better go. Hopefully we can talk more tomorrow. Same time, about 6:15, 34th Street Herald Square Station, W train, right? Cool. I'll make sure I have my closed-toed hooker boots on again. You know, just to be safe!!!

Love,

Kristin

16 comments:

Sproactually said...

May I have your attention please, this is a Queens Bound W train, all peeing passengers are reminded to stand clear of and not obstruct the closing doors.

Nice picture of the R40 slant. There days are numbered....

Mister Underhill said...

Someday I will be that free. Until then I will have to show people my penis one surprised onlooker at a time.

Kunstemæcker said...

Thanks for visiting, I'm browsing through your posts and you deserve a link on my blog (which will not bring you the thousands of visitors we all hope for).

Gutentag.

oestrebunny said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
oestrebunny said...

Well that's just gross.

How delightful for everybody. The homeless people here might mug you but at least they have the decency to nip down a pendy when the need arises.

kay zee said...

did the pee really flow "forth"?
how?

Pronto said...

More vivid shit that i wish i hadn't read.

Ain't the interweb a wonderful thing?

Krissyface said...

Steve - at least he/she was courteous enough not to do it on the train.

Underhill - It takes a lot of balls, I know. Or, you know, a lot of...ovaries. I'm still not sure the sex of said perpetrator.

Kunst - Gutentag to you too. Welcome.

Bunny - You should really come visit my fair fair city.

KZ - I'm still not sure. That is the wonder of it all.

Pronto - come on. You know you're pleased to have learned something new about public urination.

Scooter said...

Never have I been so happy to live in metro Detroit, where the inclement weather kills off all but the most hearty of the homeless...

You, with your gulf-stream weather and bleeding heart liberal shelters... you get all kinds of homeless...

jeremy said...

it's not the size of the hobo penis that matters; it's the quantity of scabs.

Krissyface said...

Scoot - I know that while you were writing that comment a tear welled up in your eye socket. I just know it, and it dribbled all the way down to begin to melt your blackened, frost-bitten heart. I have faith in you, Scoot.

Jeremy - we still haven't even established that there WAS a hobo penis. But you do make a good point. Same goes for hobo vag, I'm supposing. The scabbier, the better!

Pronto said...

Secretly - yes ;-)

Publically - no ;-0

MsPuddin said...

Perfect title for this post. That is disgusting. When I visited NYC last summer I got drunk and I had to pee, the only option was in grand central station. I would have rather opted to do what your homeless person did there…lol

Krissyface said...

Ms. P...hard to believe sometimes the shit you see in this town.

Krissyface said...

I mean, the urine you see in this town. Oh, you know what I mean.

Catscratch Diva said...

I refuse to pee in public at any costs... It's just EWWWW!