Thursday, December 6, 2007

And there won't be snow in Africa this Christmastime

Hey guys, I'm feeling a little scroogy today. So.....

Top 10 Worst Christmas Songs Ever

10. Dominic The Donkey
As an Italian American, I am personally totally insulted by this song. An Italian Christmas Donkey --heehaw! heehaw! -- who helps Santa when he visits the "paisans" because "Reindeer cannot climb the hills of Italy"? At least he leaves a sweater for Josephine (The labels on the inside says "Made in Brook-a-leen".) I can't help but see Santa in a dirty wifebeater. Carm! Where's the goddamn Capicola???

9. The Twelve Pains of Christmas
Meant to skewer vapid American Christmas traditions, this song is nothing but 12 dysfunctional grownups with bad Staten Island accents bitching. (Facing my in-laws!!! Hangovahs!!!) And it's not even funny.

8. Bells Will Be Ringing - Bon Jovi
Pop this one on the juke and line up some shots. Better yet, leave me the whole bottle, Nick. It's gonna be a long, lonely Christmas Eve at the biker bar.

7. All I want 4 Christmas is U - Mariah Carey
All I want to do is turn off the vision in my head of Mariah in an uncomfortably tight "santa's helper" costume, coated in glitter (or coke residue), looking suspiciously cheerful (and slutty).

6. That Alvin and the Chipmunks song
This needs no explanation.

5. O Holy Night - Celine Dion
Or anything by Celine Dion, any time of the year.

4. I wish I had a River (I could skate away on) - Joni Mitchell
Not really a holiday song, but it always gets played this time of year. I have a theory that a bunch of DJs have a running bet every year to see how many people they can get to hang themselves in the shower before Christmas Eve.

3. Santa Baby - Madonna
Nothing is grosser than a 35-year old woman crooning in baby talk to a bearded fat man in the hopes that he will shower her with extravigant gifts. This song should really be called "Santa's High Priced Escort Makes Unreasonable Demands".

2. Simply Having a Wonderful Christmas Time - Paul McCartney
Simply put: There is no earthly reason for this song to exist, except to annoy me.

1. Same Old Lang Syne - Dan Fogelberg
Hands down the very very saddest and most depressing holiday song ever. Nothing evokes desperate loneliness like the description of meeting an old girlfriend in a grocery store, splitting a six in your car while it sleets outside, and talking about how desperately lonely you both are. And not even getting laid after all that.

Top 5 Best Christmas Songs

Here we go. Now a little holiday cheer...

5. Father Christmas - The Kinks
Dark, funny, festive.

4. Merry Christmas (I don't want to fight tonight) - The Ramones
I can actually see Joey Ramone pleading with his wife (if he even had one, I suspect not) to please be cool this year and don't throw that carving knife at my head. Think of the kids.

3. The Band Aid Song
Something about that scratchy record sound at the beginning, followed by the lonesome, wholesome voice of a (very young) Paul Young telling us not to be afraid, cuz it's Christmas-- it just makes me feel alive. And think of how many ignorant, hungry African people learned the meaning of Christmas just from that one song. We are a great people.

2. Little Drummer Boy- Bing and Bowie
It can get Shawn to cry every time.

1. Christmas Wrapping - The Waitresses
Now Lily's favorite Christmas song too (we listen to it every morning on the way to pre-school), this poppy tune is reminiscent of the technicolor 80s, when all I wanted to do was be like one of the chicks in "Valley Girl" and sound as cool as the lead singer of this band-she was so disaffected and sexy.

Just for good are some songs that I think would be great holiday tunes with a little tweaking:

Elton John and Kiki Dee - "Don't Go Breaking My Heart (at Christmas)"

Journey - "Don't Stop Believin (in Christmas)"

Britney Spears - "Gimme More (presents)"

OK, I'll stop now.



Jessica said...

My household knows it's Christmas when Matthew puts on the LP with the song who's chorus is: "Santa's Magical Ho-Ho Bag". I wish I knew who sings it...

Kara said...

Okay- first of all, nobody is allowed to knock Joni Mitchell except Chris. That being said- I think I agree with the 10 worst. For the best I thought I would add a couple of my favorites- in addition to the ones you mentioned:
Thank God It's Christmas- Queen
2000 Miles- Pretenders
Merry Christmas, Baby- Marvin Gaye
And any Xmas song by James Brown