For those readers who know me (and most of you do, otherwise why would you be reading this anyway?), you all know that 2007 will probably go down as the most asstastic year of my career as grownup person. Or maybe even as human being. It totally blew. I mean even if you don't know me, if your mom were to bump into my mom at the grocery store and Mom was to relay the story of Kristin's year straight up, your mom would suck her breath in in horror, clutch claw marks into the package of ground chuck she's holding, shake her head in disbelief, then go home and call her daughter and tell her never to get married. It was that bad.
But no one really knows how a person is experiencing the events in her life. We can speculate, sure ("If that was me, I'd be destroyed right now!!! OMG!!!"), but you never really know. And sometimes it's not what you think.
Funny, but if you look at the arc of the shit that went down this year and follow it to where I am now, you might even find that things are getting quite bright. What do they say, out of tragedy comes...? Anyway. You know what I'm trying to say. There is no denying of course that my life changed drastically this year. Someone thought it would be funny to kick out the legs of the (already unsteady) chair I was sitting on, and suddenly my ass hit the ground. Hard.
I got the wind knocked out of me, but the way I saw it, I had a choice. And I chose to get up fast. Occasionally I'll be struck by the fact that I'm faring really well. In fact, I'm actually doing pretty kick-ass. I get down on myself sometimes and I feel overwhelmed, sure... but overall, I am feeling for the first time in I can't remember that my life is going in a pretty positive direction. Imagine. It's nice to be back.
My goal in the coming year is to simply let life give me the things I deserve. Take a breath. Be present. Let myself feel happy. I deserve to be happy, dang it! So let's see what's in store.
So, here is where I am at at this moment, at 11:04 PM on Sunday night:
Mood: Contemplative, calm, nowhere near tired
Soundtrack: the swishing of cars going by outside my window as they slosh through (freezing?) rain; the suspicious hum of my computer (time to call the Mac guys?), Dar Williams, the scratching and pushing of the gerbils trying to inch their tank closer to the edge of the table behind me so as to finally see their escape plan come to fruition; clicking and hissing of heating vent
Smell: champa incense; detergent wafting up from my freshly (and countless-times) laundered tee shirt
Snacks: Trader Joes honey sesame sticks and detox tea (god I hope it's decaf. I forgot to check)
I am Thankful for:
Lily. Keeps my head on straight. Makes me laugh. Loves me with a largeness that amazes me. She is total promise.
Friends. They pull me up, they listen, they don't judge. I can laugh my ass off with them. How did I get so lucky?
Family. You never go anywhere, no matter what a crappy job I do sometimes at being a daughter, sister, cousin, granddaughter. And you still want to go on vacation with me.
My bod. I have all my limbs. I walk upright. I'm not afflicted with any life-threatening illness. It's getting more flexible and strong, and it is an instrument of pleasure (ooh la la!) Of course I wish now that I hadnt wasted so much time loathing it throughout my teens and twenties, but that was then, this is now, baby.
Having creativity, making stuff, new ideas, being able to share them.
Decaf Green Tea
FRESHDIRECT. Thank you for allowing me to avoid Trade Fair again this week. Thank you.
Christmas lights. They throw a warm, delicious glow around my living room and remind me that we are in the most peaceful time of the year, a time to reflect, to plan. A time when anything is really possible.