Today I look like a prize fighter with encephalitis. But a good night of crying does a body good. I was so exhaustified last night that I passed out with a hot cup of green tea at my side, clutching the remote and blearily watching "Waitress" (serious disappointment...I love Jeremy Sisto from his crazy Billy "6 Feet Under" days but simply could not buy him as an abusive redneck named Earl). I woke up feeling like there was ground glass in my eyes. But it's cool. Nothing a couple tea bags, some visene and a great bowl of coffee can't fix.
So, on to better things. I feel a lot better today. Thanks for everyone's kind comments...I feel supported!
The thing that I'm realizing about myself, probably the most painful thing I've ever had to recognize, is that I'm TOTALLY CO-DEPENDENT. What a horrid thing to come to after the breakup of an 11 year relationship. But better to figure it out now, at the age of 34, when I can do something about it. It definitely beats spending all my time obsessing about dying alone in a house full of newspapers and elderly cats.
In my heart of hearts, I know that's not gonna happen to me. First of all, I'm too sunny for that shit. Secondly, I'm only 34. Life is just beginning. I am realizing that I really do love this wacky journey I'm on and accepting myself and the fact that I have a lot more to learn is the most important thing for the moment.
But the co-dependent part. That's gotta stop. I am meeting more people in these new circles I'm travelin' in who share the same issues, same insights...have realized that they've spent a fuck ton of time trying to fill cracks and voids within themselves using the wrong things. I've been down those roads---truth is, nothing really works. Alchohol, cigarettes, men, gossip magazines, doesn't matter. They're nothin but band-aids slapped onto deep wounds that need to be tended to differently.
OK, enough. I'm gonna start crying again. Thanks for being here, y'all.
6 days ago